Humility Exists In The Space Between Arrogance And Self Hatred

I’ve been still and relaxed today, which is good for my soul, and provides the intimacy that I need for honest self-reflection.

My arrogance and self-hatred are both defence mechanisms that I use to keep others away from me. It’s not deliberate, it’s an internal form of self-preservation that’s been a response to trauma, and a symptom of complex post traumatic stress.

When I’m in the space of arrogance then ‘Im ok, you’re not ok’ a position of blame or superiority. When I’m in the space of self-hatred then ”you’re ok, I’m not ok’ I have you on a pedestal and myself in the gutter, a place of inferiority.

Both positions are an external projection of my feelings of inferiority, and a need to find a space in the world in which it’s ok to be me. To have strengths and weaknesses and be at peace with both.

Certainly I feel more comfortable in my skin, more often. Much more often.

I can only be ok with you and you’re strengths and weaknesses when I am ok with mine, and that’s humility. Humility is knowing who you are. Genuine self-knowledge and acceptance. It’s a simple understanding that I have unique strengths and weaknesses, as do you. This is the place where I meet you as an equal, individually unique, but as equals ‘im OK – you’re OK’.

When I become aware that I’m experiencing arrogant thoughts I know  that I feel like I’m being judged, and the arrogance is like a belligerent ‘fuck you, I’m better than you anyway’ it’s feelings of  inferiority  manifesting as blame and self-righteousness.

When I’m aware that I’m being intensely self-critical and experiencing self-hatred, it’s because I feel shame. Ashamed of who I am, I can never be as good as you, I’m unworthy and you most definitely are superior to me. Neither of these are humble.

I am aware of these experiences today and can recognise them quickly, and allow myself to feel the underlying feelings that arrogance and self-hatred mask. The feelings pass, and I can meet you in a place of self and other acceptance.

Today I’ve experienced feelings of superiority and inferiority, and observing the shifts and allowing them to be, has meant that I’ve found equilibrium between strengths and weaknesses.

I go to bed knowing that I am OK and you are OK.

32 Replies to “Humility Exists In The Space Between Arrogance And Self Hatred”

  1. Perhaps we do not exist. Or perhaps consciousness is some universal physical law arising when certain materials are put together in a complex way. In our case oxygen, hydrogen, carbon and a few other elements from the periodic table.

    Perhaps the only way to find out is through altered states of consciousness. To see the world through the eyes of the mystic.

    I have always felt like the goldfish in the goldfish bowl.

    It is time to let go of the 10,000 things of the world and float. Or at least that is what I’m doing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Or perhaps, and more likely, consciousness gives rise to molecules and atoms. We are not individual packets of consciousness. Each being having its own little consciousness, how silly. There is just consciousness that form exists within. Until man let’s go of the arrogance of being a superior being then we are destined to suffer

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This speaks to me on a level that is simply beyond words. I have recently met somebody that should completely understand this but will not. There at a point in life where they would never be able to absorb this information or accept it as part of who they are. It is truly amazing that you have accomplished this and are comfortable with who you are. Excellent job. It took me time as well. Happy future ahead

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad that you’re in the place that you are it tells me youve really delved Into who you really are.
      I hope the person that you’ve met gets too understand this in one. Having been a victim of an event leaves us playing the role of a victim, and that can be very hard to let go of.

      Like

      1. Actually that person will not be able to do that I have set them free because they are truly a narcissist. This person is a user and someone that will not be able to set themselves free. I was a victim of somebody for over 17 years but they were not as bad as this one person I met. And this one person I set free very very quickly tonight.
        I have you to thank for that as well as my family and my friends. It is remembering that I know myself well and seeing that you know yourself too and that reminder that we are okay with that helps me continue forward and be okay. Thank you again. And now I celebrate with the family and the grandchildren in the front yard roasting s’mores over a fire. Fun times.

        Liked by 1 person

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