I would prefer to not have to face up to the reality that anorexia is having an impact upon my health. I would prefer to be in denial or refuse to accept it. However, I have a stronger desire to stay out of hospital.
I had to cut short my trip to London because of weakness, dizziness and being close to passing out. Whenever I stand up I now go dizzy (orthotic hypotension). My back and shoulders ache alot of the day (muscular hypotrophy). I’m walking more slowly (muscular hypotrophy, bradycardia and muscular hypotrophy of heart muscle). I have continuosly cold legs and arms (circulatory and anaemia). Actually writing this all here has just had an impact upon my perspective. Seeing it all together is concerning.
Yesterday I had to see the psychiatric nurse for blood pressure and blood tests, and my blood pressure was low enough for her to seek additional input from the psychiatrist and it was touch and go as to her agreeing to me visiting a friend for three days.
We agreed that I would increase my calories again by the usual increment. I was ok with this until I re-read the amount of calories in peanut butter which I have every other day. I had worked this our previously as being 120calories per day less than what I actually have, and this is scary. It means that by sticking to what I currently eat, I’m still having more calories than what the increase would take me up to.
That’s why I feel torn. Medically I need to be on considerably more just to maintain organ function, and substantially more to maintain my weight and stay out of hospital.
Knowing how many calories I’m actually having, rather than I thought is terrifying. I want to decrease my calories because of this. I can’t decrease or stay the same without damaging my health further, and meaning at some point in the near future I will end up in hospital. I’m terrified of increasing my calories.
If you don’t have an eating disorder this probably makes no sense. Despite having anorexia I can see that it makes no sense, but seeing that doesn’t stop the anorexia from being an all powerful, overwhelming experience. That’s mental illness. All I can commit to today is to not decrease my calories. I can’t speak for tomorrow. But just for today I will stick to the same intake.
Focus on being healthy. Easier said than done but your health is your wealth.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Kelly. I’m feeling more positive about it all this evening. Having got it all out in black and white here, and then talking it through with a friend has helped
LikeLiked by 1 person
Like many struggles – stay in the moment, one day at a time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Kelly. All there is is now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
One day at a time, that is all you can ask of yourself. Be kind to yourself.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thankyou Grace. ❤️
LikeLike
I’m hoping sharing your thoughts helps. I went through a similar disorder when I was much younger and I thought it was such a deep dark secret. The obsessive thoughts alone can be overwhelming and exhausting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They are. They’re not there all the time, but so intense and frightening. I dreamed about bringing two nights ago and it really disturbed me. I’m glad you’re not in that place anymore. Well done.
LikeLike
i’m so sorry. it’s hard for people to understand from the outside, how torn an eating disorder makes you. we don’t want to die and yet the terror of changing what we do is brutal. the beliefs we hold about our value and what makes us worthy are so very destructive and so very hard to shake. i have no advice – you’ve likely heard it all. i just wanted you to know that you’re in my thoughts and that though it’s hard, you can do this. you have value, you are worth it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thankyou Em. I draw hope from you and your blog. Your journey out of this place is inspiring.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Take care, please. You are someone too valuable to allow risks 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thankyou Ana. Thankyou.
LikeLiked by 1 person
One step at a time towards maintaining a healthy weight , my friend. I wish you success and willpower.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thankyou. I’ve just had my usual food. Stuck with what I have agreed, and I’m pleased with myself and a little emotional as well. It’s been a challenging day in many ways, but a day where I’ve won.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yay! for you, keep doing what you can, when you can.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou. Just one day at a time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good luck on your journey.☀️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou Mark. Very much appreciated.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Richard, really sorry to hear you’re not well. Take it easy and take care of yourself
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou Chris. At least I can go to bed tonight proud that I didn’t give in and that I stuck with the agreed plan.
LikeLike
Sensible approach Richard. Logic is not the point. Staying out of hospital is! Stay focussed!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou Sarah. I’m really feeling it physically and emotionally today. But I’ve just eaten the agreed and planned amount, and I can’t ask more of myself than that.
LikeLike
I went through a near- anorexic period in my early twenties; I don’t know what it is like for you, but I was terrified of fat. Then I moved in with some people with a healthy attitude towards food. I remember one of my housemates eating peanut butter and commenting on its calorie content, and then shrugging and saying “but I’m active, so it’s ok”. I remember being so struck by this simple, casual attitude. It really stayed with me. And whilst it took a long time until I could take on this attitude, it was a mind blowing concept to me that you could be aware of calories, but not worry too much about them. Calories are not a judgement on you, and don’t make you good or bad. And you can deserve the enjoyment of peanut butter.
Love to you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Many thanks Ali, and I’m glad that you came through that experience and are better within yourself. It helps me to hear that
LikeLike
Take care of yourself Richard, & be gentle on yourself too. As others have already said take each day at a time, thinking of you x
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou Judy. I’m completely exhausted. Glad this day is nearly over.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Im glad you’ve committed to today! Be gentle with yourself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou Alexis. Yesterday was very much an example that a successful day doesn’t have to feel good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
So, so true! ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
Big hug
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thankyou.
LikeLike
I’m thinking of you, Richard. Sending all my best each day.
LikeLike
Thankyou so much Jennifer. I’m so grateful for your wishes, and those of others.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Richard, I am so sorry to hear that you have not been well again, I was hoping that things were getting better. I don’t pretend to know how you must be feeling but I guess it is a case of “baby steps” and as long as you are moving forward then you will eventually get where you need to be. Look after yourself my friend.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Jonathan. In some ways there has been improvement. My calories have increased considerably over a few months, but still a significant calorie deficit and weight loss. I’ll get there.
LikeLiked by 1 person