Anorexia Is Impacting Upon My Health – I Feel Torn

I would prefer to not have to face up to the reality that anorexia is having an impact upon my health. I would prefer to be in denial or refuse to accept it. However, I have a stronger desire to stay out of hospital.

I had to cut short my trip to London because of weakness, dizziness and being close to passing out. Whenever I stand up I now go dizzy (orthotic hypotension). My back and shoulders ache alot of the day (muscular hypotrophy). I’m walking more slowly (muscular hypotrophy, bradycardia and muscular hypotrophy of heart muscle). I have continuosly cold legs and arms (circulatory and anaemia). Actually writing this all here has just had an impact upon my perspective. Seeing it all together is concerning.

Yesterday I had to see the psychiatric nurse for blood pressure and blood tests, and my blood pressure was low enough for her to seek additional input from the psychiatrist and it was touch and go as to her agreeing to me visiting a friend for three days.

We agreed that I would increase my calories again by the usual increment. I was ok with this until I re-read the amount of calories in peanut butter which I have every other day. I had worked this our previously as being 120calories per day less than what I actually have, and this is scary. It means that by sticking to what I currently eat, I’m still having more calories than what the increase would take me up to.

That’s why I feel torn. Medically I need to be on considerably more just to maintain organ function, and substantially more to maintain my weight and stay out of hospital.

Knowing how many calories I’m actually having, rather than I thought is terrifying. I want to decrease my calories because of this. I can’t decrease or stay the same without damaging my health further, and meaning at some point in the near future I will end up in hospital. I’m terrified of increasing my calories.

If you don’t have an eating disorder this probably makes no sense. Despite having anorexia I can see that it makes no sense, but seeing that doesn’t stop the anorexia from being an all powerful, overwhelming experience. That’s mental illness. All I can commit to today is to not decrease my calories. I can’t speak for tomorrow. But just for today I will stick to the same intake.

35 Replies to “Anorexia Is Impacting Upon My Health – I Feel Torn”

  1. I’m hoping sharing your thoughts helps. I went through a similar disorder when I was much younger and I thought it was such a deep dark secret. The obsessive thoughts alone can be overwhelming and exhausting.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. i’m so sorry. it’s hard for people to understand from the outside, how torn an eating disorder makes you. we don’t want to die and yet the terror of changing what we do is brutal. the beliefs we hold about our value and what makes us worthy are so very destructive and so very hard to shake. i have no advice – you’ve likely heard it all. i just wanted you to know that you’re in my thoughts and that though it’s hard, you can do this. you have value, you are worth it.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I went through a near- anorexic period in my early twenties; I don’t know what it is like for you, but I was terrified of fat. Then I moved in with some people with a healthy attitude towards food. I remember one of my housemates eating peanut butter and commenting on its calorie content, and then shrugging and saying “but I’m active, so it’s ok”. I remember being so struck by this simple, casual attitude. It really stayed with me. And whilst it took a long time until I could take on this attitude, it was a mind blowing concept to me that you could be aware of calories, but not worry too much about them. Calories are not a judgement on you, and don’t make you good or bad. And you can deserve the enjoyment of peanut butter.
    Love to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Richard, I am so sorry to hear that you have not been well again, I was hoping that things were getting better. I don’t pretend to know how you must be feeling but I guess it is a case of “baby steps” and as long as you are moving forward then you will eventually get where you need to be. Look after yourself my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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