I feel an urgent need to write. It’s a bit of a weird thing have a compulsion to write, but it’s better than s compulsion to starve or binge. Although I’ll keep it short or it will just be an aimless ramble.
Letting go of the controlling anorexic behaviour, working with my team, accepting I’m sick, and actually wanting to recover – it’s a big internal shift for me. It’s left me feeling quite vulnerable and unsettled. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really positive and I have genuine hope. But I feel vulnerable.
I was with a friend and was due to be away for a few more days, but I had to come back to my safe space. I needed the routine and familiarity and my own routine. It wasn’t easy to say to my friend, but a strong and positive thing to know what I need and to be able to do.
I even dusted this morning.
All is ok with the plan, I’ve stuck to it so far, and I’m not obsessing about food, starving or binging, which is nice. I’m actually looking forward to getting my calories up to a normal and healthy level. It will be a gradual process, but with larger increases than before.
I’m still keeping up with photography and coursework, although I’ve needed to back off a little. I’ve just developed a series of photos for coursework, and I’m just considering how to blend them into the montage as required.
Wishing you a fab weekend.