Need To Write – Feeling Vulnerable – Change

I feel an urgent need to write. It’s a bit of a weird thing have a compulsion to write, but it’s better than s compulsion to starve or binge. Although I’ll keep it short or it will just be an aimless ramble.

Letting go of the controlling anorexic behaviour, working with my team, accepting I’m sick, and actually wanting to recover – it’s a big internal shift for me. It’s left me feeling quite vulnerable and unsettled. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really positive and I have genuine hope. But I feel vulnerable.

I was with a friend and was due to be away for a few more days, but I had to come back to my safe space. I needed the routine and familiarity and my own routine. It wasn’t easy to say to my friend, but a strong and positive thing to know what I need and to be able to do.

I even dusted this morning.

cof

All is ok with the plan, I’ve stuck to it so far, and I’m not obsessing about food, starving or binging, which is nice. I’m actually looking forward to getting my calories up to a normal and healthy level. It will be a gradual process, but with larger increases than before.

Fragments

I’m still keeping up with photography and coursework, although I’ve needed to back off a little. I’ve just developed a series of photos for coursework, and I’m just considering how to blend them into the montage as required.

Wishing you a fab weekend.

Fragments

Fragments

33 Replies to “Need To Write – Feeling Vulnerable – Change”

  1. I love the photos and the technique. It gives them a 3-dimensional quality. To shift your addictive urge to something that will help you process (writing) seems to be a very healthy choice. Congrats on all counts!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ve sent one to you. They are gender fluid my fairies. But incredibly fast cleaners.

      I have written on poem, which is part of a collaboration between a few oca members. People from different fields I.E music, art, photography. Each month we have a theme and we either submit something for others to respond too, or we respond to someone else work. Ive written and orated some prose which is part of last month’s collaboration, which we will post soon, and a poem this month.

      I’m currently writing a photo essay for the Sociological Mail, which is about my experience with an eating disorder. It’s probably too long. I’m almost up to the present day.

      How is your creativity going?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad you’re engaging with your compulsion to write; it gave us a wonderful post. I’m happy to hear you’re feeling well, it comes through in the tone of what you wrote. Keep doing good things for yourself. You deserve them.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am really pleased to hear you have this urge to write. I was thinking of you as I was writing a post, which is not scheduled to go for a few days, but wondered this might be useful? I read it in a Caitlin Moran article about self-harm, and I related it to my own history with panic attacks/fainting, and coping with domestic abuse. She asked the reader to focus on the next five minutes only (or it could have just been a minute – sometimes a minute is a long time). Can you manage to do the right and calm thing for that minute? If you manage to do the calm and right thing for that minute, then that is all you are ever going to have to deal with. You don’t have to think beyond this timescale.

    I find this really useful when I am feeling out of control. It has really helped me not to go into a spiralling-out-of-control fear mode; it has helped me not to catastrophise; it has helped me when I have been under threat, and it has helped me not to faint where it would be dangerous to faint right then!!

    Alternatively, feel free to ignore unhelpful advice, as I know this can be very irritating. But know that I care, and I am thinking of you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ali that’s a very helpful reminder. There are times when I can focus on the moment, but a lot of my life involves fear of the future and fear of things that I’m scared will happen. Often they overtake my ability to return to the moment.

      Thankyou.❤️

      Like

    1. I’m glad that your not in that situation, and trauma takes along time to resolve. To have to have contact with the perpetrator must be intensely traumatic, and I honour your courage and strength in doing so.

      Like

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