A Surprise In The Mirror – Anorexia Recovery And A Huge Step Forward

My journal entry for December the first, 2018

Today I looked myself in the eye, I paused and looked at my face, and I looked well.

Breathe – I look well.

This was a very special experience for me. When my eating disorder ruled my life I loved feeling my bones. Rightly or wrongly I got joy from doing so, it was as if I was touching my essence. But to do so I was killing me, harming me, putting my life at risk of serious injury, illness and death. I wasn’t in denial. I knew that I was doing so, and I didn’t care.

Today I had a sober day in my eating practice. I had three meals and three snacks. Other than the occasional over-eating I have followed my meal plan for three months now.

And today, I looked myself in the eye and I looked well. I CAN lovingly nurture my body and look and feel well – even if I’m not happy with my weight gain.

This morning I dropped off my 30 inch waist jeans at a charity collection point. I would love to keep them. I still want to fit into them again, but not as much as I want photography, travel and study. I cannot keep one foot in anorexia and one in recovery. I am not willing to let go of my passion, photography is of more value to me than chasing the impossible, unobtainable anorexic goal post of the ever decreasing number.

26 Replies to “A Surprise In The Mirror – Anorexia Recovery And A Huge Step Forward”

    1. Thankyou Catherine. One day at a time. I want to be able to be free to select my own meals before going to India in April. Sticking with my dieticians plan comes first, then eating what my friends eat at Christmas, then a new year. Hope you’re well.

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  1. the perfect description – “the ever decreasing number”. there is no number that your eating disorder likes. it keeps moving the goal post. such huge congratulations on taking a really important step and it’s so nice that you had a good day. i enjoyed the photos of the planes as well.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It really made me glad to read this post, Richard. I haven’t commented before on your posts regarding eating disorders but have read them all. I have a close friend whose daughter is currently suffering from anorexia and I’m beginning to get some understanding of what a complicated, difficult disease it is and the courage it takes to battle it. I wish you all the best with your continued recovery. Michelle

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thankyou so much Michelle. its such a bizarre illness. I think the hardest thing for me to understand that my intelligence can be high, that I can be sane and rational, but still have such insanity with food.

      Is your friend’s daughter getting support? I wish her a speedy recovery.

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