Anorexia Relapse

Anorexia is such an insidious illness. I relapsed a couple of weeks ago, and I’m still in it.

The weight gain in my recovery simply got too much for me to bare. I’ve tried so hard, and I’ve stuck to my nutritionist plan. However, I’m on 4 psychiatric medications and these slow the metabolism down and their side effects include weight gain.

I’m restricting my food intake again, down to 1 ciabatta per day, and now I haven’t eaten anything since Wednesday afternoon. I know the risks of malnutrition and starvation but I have become assessed with target weights and becoming thin again. I don’t want to eat and no one can make me. Encouragement will only increase my sense of defiance.

qrf

I believe that I’m so sensible and intelligent in many ways, but not when it comes to my eating disorder. Initially I asked my mental health team for an eating disorders dietician, but now I don’t want to engage with one. If I had a dietician and they agreed for me to lose weight, they would only sanction a 2lb per week weight loss. I’ve lost 14lb in two weeks so there is no weigh I’m going to slow the weight loss down.

What a bizzare illness.

24 Replies to “Anorexia Relapse”

  1. Dear Richard, I cannot press the like button, but I know you will beat this episode as you have done before. Meanwhile I hope creative photography will emanate from this period as it has in the past. my thoughts ar with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry. It is a bizarre illness. Things that make no sense when you speak them or share them make perfect sense in the confines of your brain. I relate to the weight gain struggle. It is brutal. Learning to live in a body that feels like it’s not yours is so hard; it becomes all you think about; drifting back to the eating disorder behaviour is a relief – it feels comfortable rather than alien. I wish I had words to help you. Keep reaching out, keep communicating with your team. Wishing you a good day today.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel bad for saying this but I find reading about what you’re going through so flipping interesting… so important. I remember years ago a friend of mine lying in a hospital bed being told how she literally had days to live unless she ate something. I remember saying: just eat something. I was young, naive. I had no understanding. I suppose that’s what I find so interesting about these posts you make… they help me understand more than I could. Here’s hoping you get through this, R. You have things to say that people need to hear.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’ve put a smile on my face. It makes me think of the saying “you don’t know what you don’t know.”

      Anorexia is a bizarre illness. I’m relatively intelligent, I understand the consequences, but still the desire to lose weight and be thin persists.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Richard, thank you for choosing to follow my blog, Bobbing Around. I hope my words will be of service to you for a long time.
    Try this: You are thinking of anorexia as an illness. Instead, think of it as a set of habits: habits of thought, perception and emotion. In a way, it is like an addiction, only instead of an urge to smoke or drink or gamble, you have an urge to reduce weight.
    There are well-researched tools for habit change. You can do it.
    And if you’ve done it once, you can beat a little slipback, can’t you?
    🙂
    Bob

    Liked by 1 person

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