I’m Struggling With Anorexia, Paranoia And Suicidal Thoughts, But….

Fuck, life is hard at this moment in time. I’m experiencing intense paranoia, suicidal thoughts and severe relapse with anorexia.

Yesterday I struggled so much that I went back to bed, which is something that I never do. Today the paranoia and fear were so intense that I couldn’t stay in. I’m paranoid that my neighbours are going to attack me, so I packed my camera and went out. Thank god for photography, it’s saved me on many an occasion.

Suicidal thoughts are building up, which is linked to the paranoia. I was in a building today which had a viewing gallery on the tenth floor, which is open and has an easily climbable fence. I looked down, imagining jumping, which sent shock waves of fear along my legs. I didn’t do it, I can’t do it, but it’s a venue logged in my mind.

As for the anorexia, I had two weeks of eating a ciabatta with either peanut butter or marmite per day, and since then I’ve not eaten anything for eight days. I know that not eating anything at all makes it harder for the paranoia and suicidal thoughts to dissipate, which I don’t want, but I can’t eat. I’m obsessed with food but I can’t eat, can’t do it.

I feel completely fucked.

However, I am doing things to cope.

  • I’m still attending 12 step eating disorder recovery meetings
  • I’m being honest with people about the state of my mind
  • I’m attending therapy
  • Yesterday I went back to bed
  • Today I went out
  • I have been out with my camera
  • I’m making plans for future study
  • I’m visiting a friend next week
  • I’m planning things with the OCA London Regional Group
  • I’m continuing with my embroidered photography
  • I’ve kept my spiritual life up
  • I’m exploring ways to fund living costs so I can study BA hons photography
  • I developed some photos in Lightroom this evening, which are found below

I’m doing what I can right now, I’m doing my best, and this too shall pass.

London (3 of 6)

London (1 of 6)

London (4 of 6)

London (5 of 6)

London (2 of 6)

London (6 of 6)

41 Replies to “I’m Struggling With Anorexia, Paranoia And Suicidal Thoughts, But….”

  1. You’ve followed me for quite some time and I notice when you come in and leave ‘Likes’ and I appreciate them. That’s why I arrived to see your blog the other day and decided to follow you in return. You’re brave to write so honestly. There’s no way that I know what to say in response. I’ll just tell you something that I’ve never shared on my blog. I’ve had a physical problem with eating since I was a little kid, not anorexia. The muscles in my throat don’t work properly and it makes swallowing difficult, it can set my stomach heaving and then I can’t eat at all. It’s a constant struggle and I often feel weak, and I don’t share the interest in food that most people have. There’s been times when the whole thing has really got me down. Please, if you physically can eat then eat. If it’s difficult then perhaps try a smoothie or some other food-type fluid. Eat – because you’ve chosen to live. Hugs, Liz

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Liz thankyou so much for your comment, and for sharing about your difficulties with food. That must be such a challenge for you. Do you manage to eat smoothies?i am going to try and eat tonight, a ciabatta, because I’m sure not eating is exacerbating my mental health symptoms.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. So glad to hear from you. Yes I can usually manage smoothies. I make a nice one using my blender. Two bananas sliced, 2 or 3 dessertspoons of vanilla yoghurt, 2 metric cups of milk (1 cup first, then another after the first whizz) and a dessertspoon of honey (add honey last – before you do the first whizz, and easier if its runny). Add half the milk and whizz, then the rest and whizz again. (note: apricot yoghurt works well too – in which case add a little vanilla essence). Really tasty, specially nice in summer. If my OH isn’t home I put one mug in the fridge and drink it later in the day. I agree with you re the effect on mental health and try very hard to ensure I eat even if it takes me ages to get through something. After I’ve had a banana smoothie I’ll feel much better mentally and physically. Take care about the food side of things because it’s really worth it to feel better (I SO want you to feel better). If you can eat dairy products ok then the above recipe is really wonderful!

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Good for you for keeping up with a plan that is helping you cope! Your photographs look beautiful! I love buildings & their architecture. I’ve been thinking about incorporating original photographs into my blog even though I don’t have any photography skills whatsoever. Do you have advice for beginners that would help capture a decent photo? ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Firstly consider the light. Does the light wash out the natural colours – which will happen during the middle of the day. The best light is when there is broken clouds and after it has rained. Secondly, think about composition. Look through your viewfinder and consider whether there is anything in the frame that distracts you from your image, if there is the move a bit and look again. A distraction may be litter, or an object with a colour that’s bright and out of context.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. This is a good plan, and I’m so glad you’re talking and writing about it. I’m here for you. It will pass. Meanwhile, remember you are loved, so much, and surrounded in love and healing thoughts. *hugs* and good vibes, dear Richard. โ™ฅ.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sometimes you have to remind yourself, like a skipping record, “what I’m feeling isnt real”. The intellect can process what the emotions cant feel. If that makes sense. Do you follow Beauty Beyond Bones? Get with her, she’ll understand.
    Are you in faith? Can prayer help bring them tense feelings down?
    My hurdle is depression….I employ all the above to get over. Keep pressing forward, speak those words over and over, knowing them to be true…this too shall pass.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you for asking! At the moment, I’m really good but it comes and goes without rhyme or reason….I just get sidelined, you know? I’ve come to expect the winter months to be more difficult. I’m diligent in taking D3 in high doses and it helps. I’ve come to know on an intellectual level that those feelings arent real and it helps me push through by disrupting the natural inclination to assign the blame for those feelings on something, anything…to make logical sense of something that just doesn’t. Focusing on the truth that it will pass and and good days will return eases it with hope.
        One of the most powerful tools I use is this….I take my coffee outside, sit and just begin to thank God for ordinary things, counting my blessings one by one….clean water to drink, I know so many dont have that. Shelter, how blessed I am to have a roof over my head when so many slept beneath a bridge or in a box,…. just small overlooked blessings, I disrupts the mental pattern and shifts he focus from despair to gratitude. These are just a few things from my toolbox that helps me reach the other side. ๐Ÿ˜Š if it helps you to know, I’m praying for you too.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Richard, I understand the suicidal thoughts, and like you I won’t act on them, but they are often a higher presence in my mind than I would like them to be. Are you drinking liquids? Could you perhaps tolerate something like a soup? Would that help with the paranoia a little?
    Your photography is once again inspiring. Keep on keeping on. You are valued and you are loved, even if you don’t see it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry. It is so very hard when our thoughts are trying to destroy us. Thank you for continuing to do things to care for yourself. You are valuable and talented and worthwhile; you deserve recovery. Please continue to do the best you can to keep yourself safe.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well done, it’s a start. Missed you the other week when I was in London – now I can see why. Just get yourself better and keep taking those little steps. I am sure we are all wishing you well and improvements to your health. Hopefully you will be better for my next visit.
    Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hi Richard,
    I’m glad that you have a plan. Like you I’ve had suicidal thoughts but won’t act on them. At the end of June I was due to go to Finland to do a triathlon but after 12 months of counselling, and concentrating on physical fitness I finally had to admit that I needed to focus on my mental and emotional well being as well.
    I’d spent so long being the person that my family needed me to be that I’d not really paid any attention to who I am and want to be. Now it’s time for me to do that and photography is helping me to do that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s good that you won’t end your life, I’m glad to hear it. I hope that counselling is helping you to work through your thoughts and feelings. I find that therapy doesn’t necessarily take the thoughts/feelings away, but it tends to mean they have less of an impact. How cool that Photography is an important part of our wellbeing and self care. Thankyou for sharing Jenna๐Ÿค—

      Like

  9. Blogging is a form of therapy for me. I also hope itโ€™s the same for you too. A lot has been happening in my life but when I know itโ€™s time to write a blog and release it, it brings me joy. Iโ€™m by no means a photographer but I enjoy nature and when Iโ€™m able to snap a shot of a bumble be on a flower I absolutely go for it. Photography is another form of therapy because you can express yourself through photos. Keep it up and stay strong ๐Ÿ˜Š.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Such a great response Alondra, and I’m grateful that you’ve been open and encouraging. I love to blog. And I’m glad that you enjoy photography as well. I also find it to be a mindfulness exercise. With a camera I slow down and connect with the world as it unfolds.

      Liked by 1 person

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