Fuck, life is hard at this moment in time. I’m experiencing intense paranoia, suicidal thoughts and severe relapse with anorexia.
Yesterday I struggled so much that I went back to bed, which is something that I never do. Today the paranoia and fear were so intense that I couldn’t stay in. I’m paranoid that my neighbours are going to attack me, so I packed my camera and went out. Thank god for photography, it’s saved me on many an occasion.
Suicidal thoughts are building up, which is linked to the paranoia. I was in a building today which had a viewing gallery on the tenth floor, which is open and has an easily climbable fence. I looked down, imagining jumping, which sent shock waves of fear along my legs. I didn’t do it, I can’t do it, but it’s a venue logged in my mind.
As for the anorexia, I had two weeks of eating a ciabatta with either peanut butter or marmite per day, and since then I’ve not eaten anything for eight days. I know that not eating anything at all makes it harder for the paranoia and suicidal thoughts to dissipate, which I don’t want, but I can’t eat. I’m obsessed with food but I can’t eat, can’t do it.
I feel completely fucked.
However, I am doing things to cope.
- I’m still attending 12 step eating disorder recovery meetings
- I’m being honest with people about the state of my mind
- I’m attending therapy
- Yesterday I went back to bed
- Today I went out
- I have been out with my camera
- I’m making plans for future study
- I’m visiting a friend next week
- I’m planning things with the OCA London Regional Group
- I’m continuing with my embroidered photography
- I’ve kept my spiritual life up
- I’m exploring ways to fund living costs so I can study BA hons photography
- I developed some photos in Lightroom this evening, which are found below
I’m doing what I can right now, I’m doing my best, and this too shall pass.