Anorexia Update 2

Relapse is an all consuming and powerful force. I feel like I’m a surfer on a giant wave, with no ability to either stop or slow down. At some point I will reach the beach and be thrown off of my board, but that’s such a long a way in the future.

qrf

I’m currently eating one ciabatta or panini per day. I’ve been prescribed fortisip, but I cannot face the additional 300 calories that a bottle would give me. I know that may sound stupid, but I can’t do it. I’ve stood at the open fridge staring at the bottles, but I can’t do it.

rhdr

My weight loss has slowed down, which will be for two reasons, one) initial weight loss is mostly water, two) my metabolism will have already slowed down. I find this stage demoralising, I know the speed of weight loss will increase again and I’m holding out for that.

hdrpl

Severe restriction of food intake creates a voracious interest and obsession with food. This isn’t just for people with anorexia, it happens to non eating disordered people who are forced to starve. (see the Minnesota starvation experiment). I fantasise about eating meat and I can’t help but compulsively buy carbohydrate rich foods, despite knowing that I won’t eat them.

oznorCO

I’m horrified by how much weight I have put on in recovery. I want my bones back.

hdrpl

There are times that I feel painfully out of control, and others where I feel so deeply in control of my restrictive behaviour, it’s an intensely enriching buzz. But I have a long way to go before I lose enough weight so as to be underweight again. Sometimes I want to recover, and I still attend 12 step recovery groups, but the desire to get thin is paramount.

qrf

I’m not sure whether blogging about my relapse helps me or not, I’m undecided. But my blog is an honest account of my experiences, it’s one of the things that I do, and I enjoy doing. I certainly have enjoyed adding some recent photos into the text.

Maybe one day I will be as light as a bird again.

hdrpl

Until then, be strong and prosper.

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UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

Internationalย Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous

Two vlogersI have found useful who are in recovery or recovered

Megsy recovery

Tabitha Farrar

14 Replies to “Anorexia Update 2”

  1. It is a bit of a catch-22. Eating disorders are hell, but so is recovery. Different hells but each one leaves us feeling wrong and out of sorts and in need of a fix. Familiarity makes it all to easy to lean back into the disorder. You know it, inside out. You know it’s destructive but it’s also safe and quiet and you don’t have to figure out how to navigate recovery which is cold and hard and alien. I’m so sorry you are struggling. I wish I had the perfect words. But do keep writing, keep sharing, know that people care about you and that it isn’t transitory. It isn’t dependent on recovery or relapse, thin or gaining weight. It’s you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I always think about whether or not to comment on your relapse posts. I worry that I will say something to work against you. But to not comment makes me think as if the words you say disappear after you say them (I’m an overthinker). Anyway, instead I’ll say this: keep pushing. You bring something hidden out into a place where everyone can see. And that is an amazing thing.

    Liked by 3 people

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