Winter Is A Bastard – Exercise 1.6

Spring is most definitely in the air despite the periods of relentless rain. Crocus and daffodils are pushing their necks out of the ground, and they are adding glorious pockets of colour to my days. Such joy. My mood is improving slowly but surely, I’m isolating less, and I’m having more clarity of thought. Gratitude is what I’m feeling as I write this short piece of freewriting (I adore freewriting, it’s shown me that I do have lots to write).

But winter is a bastard, an effing c of a nightmare that I often struggle to get through!

This year my mood dropped at the end of December, and my thoughts darkened. I began to obsess about suicide, and I researched methods on the Internet, and purchased some pills which I believed would end my life.

Motivation and pleasure from activities deserted me and I felt hopeless. Situations which involved close contact with others was a struggle and I avoided people. Ultimately I was overwhelmed and tried yet again to take my life. Disappointed that I didn’t succeed, but the disappointment that I tried to end my life pushed me into accepting help. I’m now attending a therapeutic day unit. It’s a short term program for a few weeks, enough to get me through until I am able to keep myself occupied and productive.

My energy always improves in the spring. If only I could hold back the self destruction long enough to get me through to the lighter, brighter and warmer days.

My thoughts are much clearer now, and I am enjoying my studies. I had my coursework for over a month before I could even open the folder. Eventually I realised I had to just begin the first exercise, I couldn’t wait until my motivation returned, I had to simply take action without expectation. I’m so grateful that I did because I find it has brought joy and satisfaction into my daily life.

I’m looking out for signs of spring now. I’m not waiting for motivation I’m acting as if I’m motivated, and I’m finding signs of spring right now. Recovery is action. Hope is important but I can’t hope my way into feeling better, I have to put the effort into hunting for joy and gratitude.

4 Replies to “Winter Is A Bastard – Exercise 1.6”

  1. I’m glad you’re still here and I’m sorry things are dark. Yes, spring is springing (icy rain today notwithstanding) and like you, I like it. The lifting of the dark is a help.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The winter seems to have been very long, it’s never stopped raining since last September. There are lots of signs of Spring approaching now, thank goodness ! I don’t mind the winter initially but by December I can hardly crawl out of bed when its dark & miserable, it must be great to simply hibernate until spring.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That would be amazing – I’d love to hibernate. Somebody told me yester that we’re going to have a heatwave in April with temperatures in the 20’s. I’m sorry to hear that winter is so rough on you as well. 🌺

      Liked by 1 person

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