Anorexia Update 2

Relapse is an all consuming and powerful force. I feel like I’m a surfer on a giant wave, with no ability to either stop or slow down. At some point I will reach the beach and be thrown off of my board, but that’s such a long a way in the future.

qrf

I’m currently eating one ciabatta or panini per day. I’ve been prescribed fortisip, but I cannot face the additional 300 calories that a bottle would give me. I know that may sound stupid, but I can’t do it. I’ve stood at the open fridge staring at the bottles, but I can’t do it.

rhdr

My weight loss has slowed down, which will be for two reasons, one) initial weight loss is mostly water, two) my metabolism will have already slowed down. I find this stage demoralising, I know the speed of weight loss will increase again and I’m holding out for that.

hdrpl

Severe restriction of food intake creates a voracious interest and obsession with food. This isn’t just for people with anorexia, it happens to non eating disordered people who are forced to starve. (see the Minnesota starvation experiment). I fantasise about eating meat and I can’t help but compulsively buy carbohydrate rich foods, despite knowing that I won’t eat them.

oznorCO

I’m horrified by how much weight I have put on in recovery. I want my bones back.

hdrpl

There are times that I feel painfully out of control, and others where I feel so deeply in control of my restrictive behaviour, it’s an intensely enriching buzz. But I have a long way to go before I lose enough weight so as to be underweight again. Sometimes I want to recover, and I still attend 12 step recovery groups, but the desire to get thin is paramount.

qrf

I’m not sure whether blogging about my relapse helps me or not, I’m undecided. But my blog is an honest account of my experiences, it’s one of the things that I do, and I enjoy doing. I certainly have enjoyed adding some recent photos into the text.

Maybe one day I will be as light as a bird again.

hdrpl

Until then, be strong and prosper.

IMG_20190817_141637

UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

International Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous

Two vlogersI have found useful who are in recovery or recovered

Megsy recovery

Tabitha Farrar

London Wetlands Centre

Birds of London Wetlands

Watching birds brings me so much peace and joy. Whenever I get to the wetlands, St James Park or Regents Park I’m going to take photos as a way of documenting “what was there”.

Here’s a few more bird pics.

This probably the best wildlife photo that I have taken. I am so pleased with this Robin.

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Birds of London Wetlands

Turkish T129 ATAK

Turkish T129 ATAK

These are the last of the photos from Farnborough International Airshow 2018. I hope that you have enjoyed the series.

Turkish T129 ATAK

Turkish T129 ATAK

Turkish T129 ATAK

 

Turkish T129 ATAK

Turkish T129 ATAK