Yesterday was a day won. That I won. That we won. Yesterday I succeeded.
Yesterday I felt physically unwell and in distress, and was challenging mentally and emotionally. I went to bed drained and had nightmares that involved me being force fed, binging and people being intensely violent towards me. But yesterday was very much a successful day for me.
Despite my panic around calories and feeling the need to restrict my calories further, along with an obsession about binging, I did neither.
I stuck to the foods and calories that my eating disorder team and I have agreed. This is an achievement considering how I felt.
I was nurtured by my friend P and cousin L, and supported by you, my friends and fellow bloggers. I thankyou all so so much. I can’t express how much being nurtured and supported helped.
This old saying rings true:-
I alone can do it, but I cannot do it alone.
I can make no promises about today. I’ve woken up with the desires to binge and starve, and yet I feel much calmer and more positive, and I feel very grateful that yesterday was a successful day.
I would prefer to not have to face up to the reality that anorexia is having an impact upon my health. I would prefer to be in denial or refuse to accept it. However, I have a stronger desire to stay out of hospital.
I had to cut short my trip to London because of weakness, dizziness and being close to passing out. Whenever I stand up I now go dizzy (orthotic hypotension). My back and shoulders ache alot of the day (muscular hypotrophy). I’m walking more slowly (muscular hypotrophy, bradycardia and muscular hypotrophy of heart muscle). I have continuosly cold legs and arms (circulatory and anaemia). Actually writing this all here has just had an impact upon my perspective. Seeing it all together is concerning.
Yesterday I had to see the psychiatric nurse for blood pressure and blood tests, and my blood pressure was low enough for her to seek additional input from the psychiatrist and it was touch and go as to her agreeing to me visiting a friend for three days.
We agreed that I would increase my calories again by the usual increment. I was ok with this until I re-read the amount of calories in peanut butter which I have every other day. I had worked this our previously as being 120calories per day less than what I actually have, and this is scary. It means that by sticking to what I currently eat, I’m still having more calories than what the increase would take me up to.
That’s why I feel torn. Medically I need to be on considerably more just to maintain organ function, and substantially more to maintain my weight and stay out of hospital.
Knowing how many calories I’m actually having, rather than I thought is terrifying. I want to decrease my calories because of this. I can’t decrease or stay the same without damaging my health further, and meaning at some point in the near future I will end up in hospital. I’m terrified of increasing my calories.
If you don’t have an eating disorder this probably makes no sense. Despite having anorexia I can see that it makes no sense, but seeing that doesn’t stop the anorexia from being an all powerful, overwhelming experience. That’s mental illness. All I can commit to today is to not decrease my calories. I can’t speak for tomorrow. But just for today I will stick to the same intake.
I am in the early stages of my recovery and have a long way to go before my nutrition and calorific intake are healthy. I’m still on 660 calories and the photo is of my food intake for today. I have ciabatta with either peanut butter or marmite every day, and have done for months. Each time I’ve increased my calories I’ve added cookies, belvita or nature valley (low bulk with higher calories and easier to cut/split so that I don’t go over my calories).
These are foods that I feel safe with and any consideration of eating something different leaves me feeling unsafe.
Going away from home is risky when it comes to eating disorders. I have a very rigid routine at home. I eat at 5.15 pm and watch an episode of pointless and then an episode of a box set while I’m eating.
My holiday means that I can’t be certain I’ll be able to eat at the same time, I won’t be able to sit down and watch those shows as I will be out, and I won’t get the ciabatta with peanut butter or marmite. My default mode when I feel unsafe is to not eat. I don’t ever feel hungry so not eating is easy, but it’s also what’s had me hospitalised on three previous occasions.
I’ve spent three days discussing this on the phone with my friend N. My plan is:-
A) Prawn sandwich (340-360 Cal) topped up to 660 with cookies.
B) London is a big city and there will be loads of places which will sell low-calorie Panini or wraps.
C) I’ve packed my cookies already, so if I don’t feel safe with A or B then just have 660 cals of cookies.
I’ve booked two shows today. I’m off to see The Book of Mormon and also The Jungle, which has a narrative based upon life at the former refugee camp known as The Jungle in Calais.
On Monday I’m going to try to get tickets to attend two different football matches. Although I’ve planned trips to museums, formal gardens, nature reserves/zoo, galleries and meeting people, I’m not paying in advance as I’d like some flexibility.
I’m going to add a travel category and upload little bits and pieces when I can. This little guy wants his photo taken every day.
If you have, or think that you may have an eating disorder and need help then talk with someone who you trust, and see if they will support you to see your Dr.
Most countries have eating disorder charities which provide support, information and resources. Help is available and recovery is possible.
I’ve had an eating disorder since I was diagnosed with anorexia the age of 17. Up until the age of 29 anorexia controlled my life and had a serious impact upon my mental health and well-being. Then slowly I started to increase my calories and have a healthy diet. Over a number of years I began to eat more and more and my anorexia turned into binge eating disorder.
For the past four years I have switched between binge eating disorder and anorexia, and each period of these illnesses lasts for many months. With binge eating disorder I feel completely out of control and full of shame and guilt for eating food.
My current experience of anorexia is completely different from that during my younger years. Right now I like my experience of anorexia (and I only speak of my own experience). I feel completely in control, my mental health has improved greatly. My suicidal thoughts have diminished and my anxiety is quite low, although I do still experience paranoid thinking and feelings and have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.
My self-esteem improves with anorexia, I take more care of my appearance and my environment, and I am full of energy, my motivation is good, I buy new clothes which fit me and there are parts of my body which I like (such as my arms, shoulders and lower legs). It’s really quite nice to like parts of myself, and on the whole, to be enjoying life.
The downside is that my health is starting to deteriorate, my blood chemistry changing, my blood pressure has dropped, I have orthostatic hypotension, and the QT interval (part of the heartbeat) is beginning to elongate. This means that I could become an inpatient for the treatment of anorexia.
I’m working very closely with my psychiatric team, and we are following an anorexia nervosa harm reduction model. Increasing my calorific intake too quickly increases my anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so we are increasing my calories at a very slow rate. Every increase that my psychiatrist and I have agreed I have stuck to, which is very positive and am pleased that I am making progress. My progress is slow and it won’t be enough to keep me out of hospital, but it is progress. We are trying to keep me out hospital for as long as possible because I find hospital and overwhelmingly scary experience.
On a personal level I have no desire to either increase my calories or my weight, why would I when anorexia improves the quality of my life experience? The only motivator that I have to change is the desire to stay out of hospital and to reduce the length of time of a likely admission.
My current experience of anorexia, which is a positive experience for me, is far different than it wasfor me in between the ages of 17 and 29, and I am aware that other people’s experience of anorexia is often very negative.
Recovery is possible from all eating disorders, and I am working with my psychiatric team and making use of support froman eating disorders charity. Am I a positive role model for recovery from anorexia? On one hand my response to this is no because I’m enjoying my experience of anorexia and I am still losing weight. On the other hand I have to answer yes, because I am working with my psychiatric team and making use of third sector support. I have also stuck to every increase in calories which I’ve agreed with my psychiatrist, without backtracking at all, and I’ve stopped purging completely. Recovery in my mind is doing anything which increases quality of life. Following the harm reduction model has meant that I’m experiencing less muscular pain and increased ability to walk around, and be able to be fully engaged with my photography and study.
A larger town that is nearby to me has an outpatient day service for people with eating disorders which I have requested to attend. The difficulty is funding for a place. The day service is run and managed by different NHS trust than the one for the area where I live, and obtaining funding from my local NHS trust to attend an out of area service is time-consuming and frustrating.
For those of you who read this post, who also have an eating disorder would like to stress that recovery is possible, my recovery may not be the greatest example, the recovery can be difficult and slow process for many of us. Baby steps, one step at a time, but sticking with these steps and moving forwards is definitely progress which is achievable and sustainable.
If you have an eating disorder please try to talk to somebody you know and trust, and ask them to support you in attending your doctors. There are many eating disorder services and charities throughout the world.