A Surprise In The Mirror – Anorexia Recovery And A Huge Step Forward

My journal entry for December the first, 2018

Today I looked myself in the eye, I paused and looked at my face, and I looked well.

Breathe – I look well.

This was a very special experience for me. When my eating disorder ruled my life I loved feeling my bones. Rightly or wrongly I got joy from doing so, it was as if I was touching my essence. But to do so I was killing me, harming me, putting my life at risk of serious injury, illness and death. I wasn’t in denial. I knew that I was doing so, and I didn’t care.

Today I had a sober day in my eating practice. I had three meals and three snacks. Other than the occasional over-eating I have followed my meal plan for three months now.

And today, I looked myself in the eye and I looked well. I CAN lovingly nurture my body and look and feel well – even if I’m not happy with my weight gain.

This morning I dropped off my 30 inch waist jeans at a charity collection point. I would love to keep them. I still want to fit into them again, but not as much as I want photography, travel and study. I cannot keep one foot in anorexia and one in recovery. I am not willing to let go of my passion, photography is of more value to me than chasing the impossible, unobtainable anorexic goal post of the ever decreasing number.

Responding To A Theme

Self Hatred – Self Love

Disclaimer: This article covers sensitive subjects, including a photograph of the act of self harm, which may not be suitable for certain audiences.

Self-Hatred-and-Self-Love

The theme of self-hatred and self-love felt like a natural progression from exercise 4.12 Presence/Absence (here). Self-hatred was a prominent aspect of my life for many years. With lots of practice and the development of new skills, self-love and self-care have become important actions in my life. 

My initial plan was to create three photos which represent self-hatred and a further three for self-love, and to display them on opposing sides of a cube, as if they were a dice. Often it has felt like pot luck as to how I feel about myself.

My initial idea developed after speaking with a friend, and I opted to use a Rubik’s Cube. The self is not dualistic, different traits are apparent sometimes, and we can have many elements present at the same time. Using a Rubik’s Cube, and moving the images so that they mix with each other, would highlight the spectrum of love and hate. Moving the cube would provide a dynamic interaction between the photos and the representation of self-harm and self-care. Sticking the photos to the cube was almost impossible with super glue and PVA, which made the Rubik’s Cube unworkable. Because of this I stuck with the original cube idea. Presenting the photos in grid format (above), with space around each photo, was an idea developed because of the feedback of OCA photography student Andrew (Andy’s Blog). I have been able to move towards self-care and love by allowing my self-hatred to be surrounded by the love of the universe. Allowing it to exist in the vastness of space has meant it can be loved and nurtured. 

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Although my assignments are presented on-line, I wanted to feel and interact with my photos. Too often they are left on my hard drive, and I want more than that with my photography. Art is nebulous, sometimes flowing and at others grating. I want my art to be more than a visual and mental act.

I also wanted to over-sew two photo’s in the style of Gerhard Richter’s over-painting. Mixed media art has become important to me, and I am eager to experiment.

I’m quite disgusted with the photo of myself. I struggle to look at any image of myself, so I chose the worst photo and with poor image quality, and I then stitched over the top. It’s a tricky process and overall I’m not impressed with the results, but I do like the lips, and the white dots from where each stitch manipulated the photo paper. The needlework looks like medical stitches, and I’ve previously had many self-inflicted injuries sewn up in A and E, the correlation worked well. However, over-sewing a photo was awkward. If stitches were too close the paper would tear, which meant I couldn’t produce the fine work that I wanted to produce. I chose not to apply this technique to a second photo because it’s too cumbersome. However, I am going to practice this in future. There is a saying that shame is about who I am, guilt is about who I am. The colours of the over stitching are about shame and guilt. The guilt is represented by red thread, I’m a guilty sinner who requires a blood sacrifice for salvation. The purple and black represent shame. They are dark colours, heavy, dreary and dirty.

I chose to create the photo of the cross with blood because it has religious symbolism, which reflects the shame I have experienced just for existing. The shame that springs from my childhood experiences was exacerbated by the religious upbringing I had. I could never live up to the expectations of those in religious power, nor of the scriptures. Apparently I am a sinner, and not only are my actions sinful, but so are my thoughts. I’ve paid for my sin’s in blood.

Self-harming has not been an easy or enjoyable behaviour for this assignment. But as it was a daily behaviour for many years I felt it was a justifiable action to take even though I hadn’t self harmed in over two years. I used to cut derogatory words into my legs, and I chose the words “fat cunt” because there are times that I internally call myself this. It’s hard having an eating disorder, and it’s correlation with body-dismorphia it’s obvious within me. However painful these thoughts are, I am proud of the changes that I am currently making. I often find I am in a place of nurturing myself in response to a cruel inner monologue.  On the whole the self harming for this assignment has been a positive experience. It has affirmed that I’m no longer in a place of self-hatred, and I was able to naturally practice self-care for a couple of days afterwards.

Producing photography that involved the act, and results of self harm is pushing the boundaries of what is graphically acceptable. Because of this I have posted trigger warnings on my blog a few hours prior to posting any images. The truth is self-harm is a part of my history, and I am a visual artist who uses photography to explore and express myself. Personally I believe that my photography has been authentic, as tasteful as possible for the content,  and I have presented it within an appropriate context.

My self-love photo’s included macro photography, the side of my bath, and a card that I wrote to myself.  Macro photography is pure enjoyment and a spiritual connection for me. My bath has many fossils, rocks and minerals, and I always have a multitude of shower gels. Having difficulties with body image has made it necessary to have a safe bathing space. I regularly write myself texts telling me that I love myself.

Love is not a feeling, it’s an action, and I need to practice loving kindness towards myself on a daily basis. I cannot afford to wait until I feel better about myself in order to take affirmative action. I have to act my way into feeling better about myself.

The lighting was a combination of daylight and incandescent. I opted for the ambience provided by natural daylight, and I didn’t feel that it was necessary to use flash or additional light sources for this assignment. However, I changed the white balance on the photos of the bath and the card to add some warmth.

My execution of this assignment has, at times, been emotionally challenging and also rewarding. I feel excited about the use of the cube and the over-sewing. It’s wonderful to push myself, to learn new techniques and experiment, and to play with physical photos.

The biggest joy has been the realisation that I love myself, I may not like how I look, but hey, progress is progress.

Photography is so much fun, and it has helped me to take care of myself, to connect with Goddess, and it has improved how I feel about myself. It’s hard to convey the extent of how photography has changed my life.

The Individual Photos

Self Hate

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Self Love

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The contact sheets can be seen here

Rubik’s Cube Update

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Following feedback from OCA Foundations in Photography student Jonathan Kiernan (here), I made a second attempt with the Rubik’s Cube. This time I cut the photos into cubes prior to sticking them onto the cube, and tried to stick them into place by using double-sided tape. This technique was better, however, cutting the tape was a nightmare as the tape kept sticking to the scissors. Making use of a five by five cube meant the photos were divided two small to be neat, and didn’t provide a large enough surface area for the tape to stick the photo’s. The solution would be to use a larger Rubik’s Cube which is also only three by three. I think the best technique to glue the photo’s to the cube would be to use PVA on the cube and photo as a surface primer, and then to make use of super glue as the adhesive.

 

I always welcome constructive feedback and critique. Please feel free to comment and explain either what you like or don’t like, and why. 

 

 

 

 

My Anorexia Recovery Update

The ups and downs of anorexia recovery

The ups
Eating public is highly uncomfortable, I don’t like doing it. But it was time for my snack. I reminded myself that if anyone notices they just see a person eating. For many people this is so normal they wouldn’t even notice. If they had noticed they wouldn’t see an anorexic eating, they would just see a guy eating. Do I identify myself too much as an anorexic, rather than a person with a mental illness? The seagull was the only one who noticed.

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Two hours later and I’m now in a cafe and am about to have two chicken salad sandwiches. My meal plan for today is two ciabattas with jam, but I can’t get that in a cafe. I took advice from somebody who is further along in their recovery than I am. As chicken is on my plan (day 5) then I can have the chicken, I’m used to it, and it means that I’m not introducing a new food unplanned. New foods are tricky and are best eaten at home. It feels like everyone is staring at me.

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The downs
I purged on Wednesday. It’s irrelevant how I purged, but I did. That’s a relapse. It left me feeling distant from the people who love me and my support network. Purging brought up feelings of shame, guilt and worthlessness. I felt useless and had thoughts of not attending my self-help group. Addictive behaviour makes my world smaller, and hand on heart 💓, I deserve better.

The love
Despite fearing rejection I got honest. I told people that I have built trust with, my long-term friends, and I also shared about it in a self help group that I attend. I was treated with love, gentleness, kindness and understanding. People called me after the meeting and helped me to explore why I did it.

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The why
I have so many thoughts about food, about bingeing, about starving myself. Its obsessive, it dirsturbs me. I hate those thoughts. The way that I purged isnt important. It takes those crazy food thoughts away from me and brings some relief. But it also puts me at risk in so many ways. My paranoia and anxiety increase.

The solution
Shopping is a trigger for me. I need to stop walking around shops just to be around food. I need to either shop online or just shop at the co-op. I know where everything is in the co-op so I can go in with a list and shop quickly. As shopping is a trigger I could message a friend before hand so that I can remain accountable, and to have someone else that cares about me aware of my discomfort.

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I also need to be patient, loving, kind and gentle with myself. Recovery is a process – it’s not an instant fix. Some days I will struggle, and some times my thinking will drive me mad. I’m going to have to learn to sit in discomfort. Many of my peers in the self help group have been recovered for years. I can’t force myself to be at their stage. I need to give myself permission to be where I am, and to keep moving forward. Hope will help me with this. Knowing that others have been through this and come out of the otherwise is inspiring.
Richard, I love you. Richard, eating is the loving thing to do. You’re so worth it.

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The last half of the sandwich was so hard to eat. It looks to much for me. But my therapist, nutritionist says this is the right amount for now.

UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

International Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous

Two vlogersI have found useful who are in recovery or recovered

Megsy recovery

Tabitha Farrar

Anorexia: It Costs More Than An Arm And A Leg

This is my story, which has been published today in The Sociological Mail.  If you like to read about current affairs, lifestyle, psychology and sociology, and to hear diverse viewpoints, then its worth popping over and becoming a follower. Shenaka has published all of my photo-essays, which I am very grateful for, and she welcomes new contributors.

Disclaimer: This article covers sensitive subjects which may not be suitable for certain audiences.

For just over a year I have been producing photography about anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating disorders. This is the beginning of a photographic body of work which I intend to exhibit. I have had an eating disorder since I was 17 years old, which for me has predominantly been anorexia. Shaneka from The Sociological Mail has given me the opportunity to tie these projects together and to share about my history with an eating disorder.

I can only speak from my own experience. I am not an expert in the field, and I am not medically trained, but I have a lot of knowledge about eating disorders. I think that it’s common for people with eating disorders to arm themselves with information, I most certainly have. The anorexic brain becomes distorted and narrowly focused. It does this because the brain isn’t getting the nourishment which it requires to function, and hormone production increases around hunger and appetite cues. Thoughts about food increase to the point of obsession, and for me this also includes a focus upon my eating disorder. I have spent hours of my life reading about anorexia from all sources, I do particularly enjoy peer reviewed research. There have been a few occasions when I have had to correct professionals who don’t know the correct information, or when they have tried to coerce me into doing things their way. The knowledge that I have gained has become a barrier to accepting treatment, and hand on heart, that’s why I spent those hours reading. It has been a brick wall that has kept anorexia and I within, defending ourselves against those who were assaulting us by trying to cajole, manipulate or compel me to eat. Ultimately the justifications that I have used have harmed me, because I have been compelled to have treatment under the Mental Health Act, against my wishes. My refusal to have treatment has damaged my body and my mind. The consideration of treatment, having to eat and recovery have filled me with fear.

Fear has been a recurring theme throughout my life, and I think that there is a link between my eating disorder and fear. I experienced a lot of trauma during my childhood, repeatedly and in many forms. I had a violent alcoholic step-father, and a mother that didn’t protect me or my siblings from his violence. Sadly Mum was also violent and emotionally abusive, and she was inconsistent, giving and withholding love. As a young child, I had to learn to read people, it was self-protection – “what do I need to do to stay safe today”. This hasn’t left me, and my body and mind are always alert to potential risk. Unfortunately, this even impacts upon my closest friendships. I was also abused sexually, and when I informed my mother and (the latest) step-father I was ignored. From early on I knew that it didn’t matter whether I did well or failed, I would be in trouble anyway.

I took an overdose when I was 17. I can’t tell you why because I don’t know. As soon as I had taken it I went to hospital because I hadn’t intended to do it. However, it was a turning point that led to the onset of my anorexia. My mum threw me out because I had overdosed and I couldn’t tell her why I had done so. I moved into a friends caravan and I started to unravel.

I had never heard of anorexia, bulimia or self-harm, but I started cutting myself and restricting calories. I would eat two slices of toast with mustard each day, and vomit as soon as I had eaten it. Surprisingly, I had no support from the mental health services for a couple of years, and it took until my early twenties to get diagnosed with anorexia – binge/purge subtype. By this point, I had so many difficulties that we didn’t get anywhere with my eating disorder, nor my other mental health issues. I had several hospital admissions because of suicidality and depression, and my eating disorder continued. There were short periods of rapid weight gain due to binging, which were then followed by rapid weight loss because of restricting.

When the opportunity came along for me to use amphetamine I did. By this point, I was aware that it speeds up the metabolism and reduces the desire to eat. It was successful on that level, but my mental health worsened with the development of intense paranoia. I started to distrust my friends and became so scared of them that I walked out of my flat, got a train halfway across the country, and ended up in a homeless hostel. Paranoia is a feature of my poor mental health, and I am sure that the amphetamine contributed towards its development.

I progressed from using amphetamine to heroin, which precipitated a further crisis, but one which meant I became ready and willing to take responsibility for, and the necessary action to change my life. When I got clean I knew that I had to eat because if I didn’t then I was unlikely to stay away from substances. So I started eating three meals a day. Gradually my portions increased, and I put on more weight than I needed to. I was fully aware that missing a meal was risk-taking behaviour, and I stuck solidly with the plan for 6 years. Although by now I had progressed to over-eating with regular binges. Then every now and again I would miss a meal. It really wasn’t a regular thing, to begin with, but over time those missed meals increased. I liked the sense of power, being able to overcome hunger by not eating. I experienced a strong feeling of being in control, so the number of meals that I missed increased. The period from when I started missing meals and back to intense anorexic behaviour took several years. But once I had started missing meals and experiencing the feeling of power and control that came with it, then it was inevitable that fully restrictive behaviour would ensue.

My wife and I separated, and I moved and found new employment. The work was intense, and I stopped having lunch. I didn’t eat breakfast by this point, and my evening meal consisted of a bread roll sliced in two, with half a tin of tuna on top of each piece, and sometimes with cheese on top (if I had the cheese it was toasted and lots of black pepper). I lost weight very quickly.

One meal a day went down to not eating at all. I mean nothing. I went 52 days with only fluids – I have to say I was fu)*i:g nuts at this point. I couldn’t think properly, my memory went, I couldn’t answer peoples questions because my brain had shut down. I guess it was preserving the essentials for survival and switching everything else off. Not eating for these kinds of long periods is both easy and hard. The obsession and compulsion to resist food is overwhelming and coupled with an obsession to buy and hide food, to write out recipes, watch all the tv cookery shows, and to cook for friends. I loved to smell food. At that point, just smelling food felt like it was filling me up.

The compulsion to not eat was what made not eating easy, I can’t explain what that’s like. Perhaps it’s similar to determination, but 100 times stronger. It’s a fixation, it doesn’t matter what you say to me, I will not eat. It doesn’t matter what I say to me, what I think, rationalisation – I WILL NOT EAT. My self-hatred increased over this period of “fasting” I didn’t try to fight it, just accepted that it was linked to not eating, and my self harm returned, but that’s OK because I’m not eating. With hindsight I can say that the more people tried to get me to eat, or put pressure on me too, the firmer my determination to not eat became. Again it’s that sense of control. My whole life felt out of control, except for the will that I had to not eat and to control the size of my body, and no matter how hard you tried, you could not take that away from me.

The worst experience was the self-hatred, shouting at myself, calling myself names, and the self-harm. I’ve self-harmed before, as a coping mechanism, and it’s been (for want of a better word) gentle. However, during this period I cut aggressively out of anger, rage, and hatred. I cut names into my legs and chunks out of my arms. When I look back on that time I have empathy for myself, I actually feel sorry for myself. How I treated and spoke to myself at that point was tragic, it brings a tear to my eye to think of it.

I was referred to a community mental health team and could attend their day centre. It was a safe space, daily occupation and it provided me with a connection with other people. I used the centre to help me get back into a pattern of eating, it was a slow process, and I was allowed to go at my own pace. They had no eating disorder training so they observed and encouraged but ultimately left me to sort out and manage my own recovery.

After not eating for so long the brain produces hormones to make you feel hungry, which is why there is often an obsession with food for many people with anorexia. For some of us, it also means that when you begin to eat again there can be an overwhelming urgency to do so, it certainly did for me. My food slowly increased and developed into compulsive overeating, and I put all the weight that I had lost back on, and more. It took six months to do so, and then I stopped eating again. Without effective treatment, the cycle continues.

My anorexia is extreme. I don’t restrict food like many, I completely stop eating. I still drink coffee with skimmed milk, herbal tea, and juice, but I won’t have any food at all. My mind becomes so rigid, fixated on not eating, I am either thinking about not eating, researching anorexia, or hoarding food. I spent so much money on food with absolutely no intention of eating it. It got so bad that a friend had to come around and clear my flat out. It’s such a strange compulsion, to starve and be obsessed with food. I wish there was a way that I could put into words just how strong both obsessions are. There is just nothing that I can compare it too. Hoarding is a common symptom of starvation and anorexia, which was also demonstrated by the Minnesota experiment (https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/10/hunger.aspx).

This period of not eating lead to me, once again, being sectioned under the Mental Health Act. I had stopped eating for 56 days at this point, and I had refused all of their offers of help, including meal replacement. I really did not believe that there was anything wrong with me at all. Thing is, I have other mental health problems as well as an eating disorder, and these include anxiety, paranoia and suicidal ideation. There are times when not eating reduces or stops these symptoms. Not always, but this was a time in which my I became symptom free, and that makes me feel well. Who would want to change if they were free from other overwhelming and disabling symptoms?

I was given the option of having meal replacement drinks and building up my calories or going into the medical hospital for nasogastric feeding. I chose the meal replacement. It really wasn’t easy, and in that hospital, I only got up to 900 calories a day. I then went to an eating disorders unit as an inpatient, which I found challenging, stressful and intrusive. I tried to want to be there, but having other people in control of the food which was going into my body was too difficult. I would argue with the dietician every time that we met up, was very hostile and resistant to treatment. They got my calories up, but I then asked if I could leave. I really don’t do well when others have control over me or my food, and I don’t do well as an inpatient in hospital. I never have. It makes it so hard for the professionals to work with me. I guess that’s why I am mid-forties and still sick and suffering from an eating disorder. Perhaps control is the issue rather than the food. Feeling out of control or that others are in charge of me induces intense fear, which leads me to feel like I have to escape.

Once they had discharged me I reduced my calories and started to purge every day. There was a community eating disorder therapist whom I was referred to. She was patient with me, and we developed a plan between us. I agreed to get to a minimum of 1200 calories per day. This was to be an initial target and is based upon the fact that with 1200 calories our organs can function. It’s the level that a patient would be given if they were in a coma. The other thing that she was very clear about was that I needed to have blood pressure, blood tests, and an ECG each week. If any of these indicated that I needed medical care, either as an inpatient or outpatient then I had to have it. It was made clear that if I didn’t comply then I would be detained under the Mental Health Act. She let me go at my own pace, and I slowly introduced solid foods to replace the drinks that I was on. I have to say that she was the best therapist that I have had for my eating disorder. She had boundaries and limits, explained these to me, and then worked with me as an individual. She understood how strong my control issues with regard to food were, and helped me to make progress. I got to 1500 calories per day, was eating solid food most of the time, and my physical health was improving.

Unfortunately, I got a sudden bout of depression and tried to kill myself. Whilst in the psychiatric hospital I started to binge. The staff on general psychiatric wards in the UK are generally not eating disorder trained, and they do not help a patient with anorexia to either eat or build up eating slowly. Having so much access to food after a long period of starvation sent those hormones wild again. The hunger was intense, and the amount of food that I would eat left me in pain all of the time. After eating the hospital dinner I would call up a take away, order a meal deal for two or three people, and sit and eat all of it. There was no real enjoyment of the food, just an insatiable appetite and an inability to stop eating once I had begun.

I find it so sad that I have been through all of this, and the harm that my poor body has had to cope with. Getting the right treatment for eating disorders in the UK does not always happen. I have no specialised eating disorder support at the moment, and this is a common issue for many sufferers. Part of it is the area that I live. In the UK each individual health authority decides how it is going to spend its budget, and which services it will commission. Here they funded one community eating disorder therapist to cover the whole county. She has changed role recently and hasn’t been replaced, and neither has the dietician who left last year.

So how did I get to this point on this occasion? My compulsive overeating following the last hospital admission led to me developing diabetes. I am terrified of the doctors and the hospital, so I looked into the research results from Newcastle University into reversing type two diabetes. They put their patients onto a very low calorie diet, which is medically supervised at all stages. The diet lasts for eight weeks, and then other foods are slowly introduced. The results are astounding. Type two diabetes can be reversed. Having reviewed the research results I decided that I would create my own very low calorie diet so that I could reverse my diabetes, which I have managed to do. However, the reduction in calories soon triggered the anorexic thoughts and behaviour, and I lost control.

Something was different this time though – my photography studies. I love photography and I love studying with the Open College of the Arts. My photography has developed considerably, and so has my contact with people. I can walk up to strangers on the street and ask if I can photograph them, and I have photographed at many events and around large groups of people. I feel safe with a camera in front of my face, and the whole experience is mindfulness in action. Its like I slow down, real slow, I look and see all that is around me, completely focused, present and in the moment. In January I returned to not eating anything at all. This time I went for 18 days. During that time my motivation to study disappeared and I became depressed. I couldn’t live with the impact it had on my photography so I began to eat again. Not a lot at all, but it was enough to make a difference. This has also been a time where not eating/severe restriction has had a positive impact on the reduction of other mental health symptoms. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts for some time, my anxiety has reduced, and so has the paranoia to a degree. I still get PTSD symptoms, but these are more manageable when my other symptoms are low. My energy increased significantly as well. Lack of food intake can mean that the body produces more adrenaline and cortisol, and this increases energy. To be honest it has been an absolutely amazing time that I have really enjoyed.

I haven’t really worked with my psychiatric team, and I have done the absolute minimum that I could get away with in order to stay out of hospital. I think that I have made it look like I am working with them and want to get well, but that hasn’t been my truth on the inside, until….

I went on holiday to London. It was to be a three week holiday so that I could be a tourist, make the most of the sights and scenes in London, go to galleries, museums, gardens and theatres. It was also an opportunity for me to meet up with my fellow students. Sadly, after just a week I became really ill. I felt dizzy, sick, and thought that I was going to pass out. I got to the point of not being able to function. My motivation to study and for photography went. Then a couple of weeks afterwards I was with a close friend, we had been out in his car for about an hour and we went for a coffee. My blood pressure dropped and I was unable to walk. These incidents frightened me into realising that I need recovery and I need it now.

Recently I have been making progress, and my photography has been an important part of that process, the enjoyment of photography is my motivation for change in a way that fear of dying from anorexia is not. I now know that if I do not make a drastic attempt to recover then I will suffer more serious health problems, be unable to take photos, and risk dying. Anorexia has the highest death rate as a proportion of sufferers than any other psychiatric disorder.

People can and do recover from eating disorders and anorexia. I was aware of the statistics about partial and full recovery, as well as those who never recover, but now I have started to attend an online peer support group for people with anorexia and bulimia I have met people, who I relate to, and who are in recovery. Meeting others who are no longer affected by the symptoms of their eating disorder gives me so much hope. Peer support isn’t the only thing that I need. Although I have a psychiatric and medical team, they are not eating disorder trained, and they have not replaced their dietitian or therapist. However, I have managed to find an experienced eating disorders therapist, who is also experienced in nutrition and diet. I grew up in a family of chefs, I know what a nutritious and balanced diet is, so why can’t I just do it? I am afraid of food, there are very few foods which I eat, I am obsessed with calories. I need help to overcome these difficulties, and I also need someone whom I can build up trust with so that they can manage my meal plan until I am able to put things into practice. I need to trust them to manage the calories for me. It’s a big part of letting go of controlling behaviour.

Eating disorders are not about food, even though the symptoms suggest that they are. Eating disorders are about control. By controlling my food intake, weight and body shape, I can  avoid or suppress fear, feelings, circumstances and the uncertainties of life.

Yesterday was a very big step for me. I consider it to be the first day of my recovery. Most people with anorexia go through intense obsessions with foods, watching TV shows about foods, reading recipe books, cooking for others and not eating, and some of us hoard food. Over months I spent hundreds of pounds buying food that I had no intention of eating, and hiding around the house, even though I live alone. Before I could have friends visit I informed them that they were not to touch the hoarded food. Yesterday I sorted through it, binned what was out of date, and have bagged the rest for the local food-bank. A momentous step for me, and I promise you it wasn’t easy. I cried, I felt angry, and I needed to reach out for support. But I did it. I am proud of myself for doing so, so proud that I bought myself some flowers. I earned them (written three weeks ago).

I accept that this is not going to be an easy process and that it will take time. There will be times when my emotions feel too intense and overwhelming, and the regime of three meals and snacks is frightening. With help, I have introduced a couple of new foods, cereal, and jacket potato with tuna or chili. The rest are a few select foods that I feel safe with. There are times when I feel so out of control, which isn’t surprising. Change does mean letting go of the old control measures and trying the unfamiliar. The amount of emotion that I experience around the times that I am eating now has been surprising, and often very intense. But I want to study, I want to walk around and take photos, and I cannot have that without recovery. Recovery is possible, which I now know because I have found a community of recovering people.

If you have an eating disorder or think that you may do, and are not currently receiving support then please seek help. Your doctor is important because there are so many health complications with eating disorders. Perhaps you can talk to someone who you trust and ask them to go to the doctors with you. There are also eating disorders charities in many countries around the world. They can answer questions that you may have and provide you with information and support. There are also many peer support groups around the world as well. We all have to find our own way, but we never have to do this alone.

Thank You for reading and best wishes, Richard.

 

UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

International Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous

Two vlogersI have found useful who are in recovery or recovered

Megsy recovery

Tabitha Farrar

Do You Know Of, Or Are You An Eating Disorders Dietician? – First Day Of Recovery From My Eating Disorder

Firstly, I am looking for an eating disorders dietician who is willing to work over Skype. I had a look on google for dietitians in the UK and they were well beyond what I can afford. I have a contact page, so please feel free to contact me if you are in a position to help or point me in the right direction.

Secondly, today has been a big day for me. As far as I am concerned it is the first day of my recovery from Anorexia. Today I have sorted through and got rid of the food that I had hoarded from October last year til April this year.

It’s common for people to obsess about food when they have been lacking the food that they need to survive, and this is a common experience for people with Anorexia Nervosa. Hoarding food that isn’t going to be eaten is also a common experience.

I knew that I needed to get rid of it, and I also knew that it was hidden all over the house But it has shocked me just how much there was. I will be donating it to a local food-bank, and I have also taken some to one of my neighbours.

I had such a strong emotional attachment to my hoard. Before I have let friends visit or stay over, I have made it clear that the house is full of food and they are not to touch it. One friend has been encouraging me to get rid of it for ages, but I haven’t been able too, the thought of doing so has been terrifying.

Today there were some foods that I really didn’t want to let go of. I had to go through the pile that I was going to keep repeatedly so that I let go of foods that I didn’t need. There are a few things that I will genuinely use as snacks, so I have kept them, but it took a long time to get rid of the stuff that would never be a genuine snack. Some of the things that I was trying to justify keeping, but there is no such thing as half recovery, they had to go.

I have made videos as I have gone along, its part of the record of my journey, my illness and, fingers crossed, my recovery. I have received so much support from my peers, who have become my friends, and also from many fellow bloggers. I thank you all deeply. The turning points have been the sudden decline in my health whilst on holiday in London, and a kind friend pointing me towards a twelve step fellowship which is specifically for people with anorexia and bulimia. There are also a couple of vlogs that I have been pointed too by people who are in recovery or recovered from anorexia. I will add links to them below the video.

I am so grateful for all of your support, and today, I am grateful for my willingness, courage and strength. I am so proud of myself that I bought myself a bunch of flowers. I honour my willingness, courage and strength.

I have also stuck to my meal plan for the past two days. Cant believe it. Its so good to have done that. But the food that I eat is not nutritious, but I am stuck with the fear of trying other foods, which is why I need a  dietician that specialises in eating disorders. I know how to eat healthy, but its needing someone to guide me through the fear and to take control of my eating plan.

cof

 

Here are the links.

Megsy recovery

Tabitha Farrar

UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

International Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous

 

 

Flipped Into Binge Eating – The Shame Of Eating

Last week was frightening for me. Not being able to walk, following on from returning home from London because I was sick left me feeling vulnerable and scared.

As well as having anorexia I have binge eating disorder. I had a battle in my mind last week between starving, binging or sticking to the plan. I stuck with the plan initially and then flipped into binging.

I find it hard to discuss binging because I feel both guilt and shame for doing so. Guilt for eating and shame for being disgusting and greedy (guilt is about what I have done, shame is about who I am).

So I feel ashamed. I hurt. And there is further torment. Life is not black Abdul white, one thing or another, I so wish it was. I’m desperate to stop eating, to get back into the (false) control of anorexia, I’m scared I won’t be able to stop eating. I also don’t want to stop eating, I want to binge and have the numbness that comes with the chemical high.

The shame is so intense it’s taken me a few days to decide whether to make this post. It’s easy to talk about my anorexic behaviour, even when it hurts, binge eating is a different matter.

oznor

Anorexia Is Impacting Upon My Health – I Feel Torn

I would prefer to not have to face up to the reality that anorexia is having an impact upon my health. I would prefer to be in denial or refuse to accept it. However, I have a stronger desire to stay out of hospital.

I had to cut short my trip to London because of weakness, dizziness and being close to passing out. Whenever I stand up I now go dizzy (orthotic hypotension). My back and shoulders ache alot of the day (muscular hypotrophy). I’m walking more slowly (muscular hypotrophy, bradycardia and muscular hypotrophy of heart muscle). I have continuosly cold legs and arms (circulatory and anaemia). Actually writing this all here has just had an impact upon my perspective. Seeing it all together is concerning.

Yesterday I had to see the psychiatric nurse for blood pressure and blood tests, and my blood pressure was low enough for her to seek additional input from the psychiatrist and it was touch and go as to her agreeing to me visiting a friend for three days.

We agreed that I would increase my calories again by the usual increment. I was ok with this until I re-read the amount of calories in peanut butter which I have every other day. I had worked this our previously as being 120calories per day less than what I actually have, and this is scary. It means that by sticking to what I currently eat, I’m still having more calories than what the increase would take me up to.

That’s why I feel torn. Medically I need to be on considerably more just to maintain organ function, and substantially more to maintain my weight and stay out of hospital.

Knowing how many calories I’m actually having, rather than I thought is terrifying. I want to decrease my calories because of this. I can’t decrease or stay the same without damaging my health further, and meaning at some point in the near future I will end up in hospital. I’m terrified of increasing my calories.

If you don’t have an eating disorder this probably makes no sense. Despite having anorexia I can see that it makes no sense, but seeing that doesn’t stop the anorexia from being an all powerful, overwhelming experience. That’s mental illness. All I can commit to today is to not decrease my calories. I can’t speak for tomorrow. But just for today I will stick to the same intake.

Featured On Happiness Between Tails By da-Al

Good morning.

da-Al asked if I would submit a guest blog, which she has just published this morning. It can be seen here. In the post I discuss how I use photography to help/improve my mental health, especially when it comes to macro and bird photography. da-Al writes her own posts, but most of her site is populated by guest posts. Thank you for the opportunity da-Al.

Mental Health Awareness Month

Just because I don’t live in the US doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t nurture myself.

Everyday provides the opportunity to do something that demonstrates kindness and compassion towards myself. How easy it is to demonstrate those qualities towards others, and how challenging to practice self care.

I brought some flowers yesterday as a prop for a photography exercise. They were good enough for the photo shoot as they were laying flat, but they were too limp for a vase.

When I meditated this morning I decided to buy myself a bunch of flowers, however why buy one bunch when you can treat yourself to two.

Neither bunch had the right colour balance on their own, and that’s the reason for getting them both.

When I write my gratitude list tonight it will include – I am grateful that I treated myself kindly today.

mde

Sick Of Bulimia

Sick Of Bulimia

Bulimia-Grid-Presentation

Bulimia is an eating disorder, a psychiatric illness. eating disorders have the highest death rate of all of the mental illness. Between ten and twenty percent of people with an eating disorder will die as a consequence of this illness. Those deaths are attributed to heart failure, organ failure and suicide.

Bulimia (or bulimia nervosa) is a serious mental illness. It can affect anyone of any age, gender, or background. People with bulimia are caught in a cycle of eating large quantities of food (called bingeing), and then trying to compensate for that overeating by vomiting, taking laxatives or diuretics, fasting, or exercising excessively (called purging). Early intervention offers the best chance for a rapid and sustained recovery from bulimia.(Source link)

If you have an eating disorder – recovery is possible, speak to a family member, someone you trust, a doctor, or search google for an eating disorder service in your country.

United Kingdom

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia

Bulimia