Early Recovery Exhaustion – Following Your Blogs

Feeling exhausted is not something that I expected and it’s a big surprise to me. Perhaps this is because my body is beginning to heal.

The routine of the meal plan has become more comfortable, although I do forget sometimes. I’ve remembered eventually, so it just means I run late. Im used to only eating once per day, so I’m not surprised that I occasionally forget.

The 3 meals and three snacks are mostly what I’m used to eating, but I am managing to introduce some new foods. Interestingly, I’m aware that I need and want to eat more food. My food intake has increased significantly but it isn’t enough to sustain me. I have no idea how to do this in a manner that I can cope without triggering my anorexic response. My therapist and I can discuss this and make adjustments when we next talk. It’s a more complicated process than just eating more. Be told by well-wishers really doesn’t help. Despite their genuine and sincere hope for my wellbeing it makes things harder for me.

My energy levels are very low and I’ve had no motivation to do anything productive. I’ve spent my time with my headphones on, listening to music full blast, and doing some intensely detailed pixel editing in photoshop. It has achieved anything photographically, but it’s stopped me from thinking those negative anorexic thoughts that don’t want me to recover.

My energy has been so low that it’s beit’s been too much effort to read your blog posts. You have become an important community for me, I love being in touch and sharing our lives and I look forward to being able to catch up when I am able.

I wish you all peace, love and joy. See you soon.

 

Change And Growth – Grateful For The Generosity And Love Which Means That I Now Have Professional Support

This week I felt so frustrated with not finding a dietician who could work with me over Skype at a price that I could afford. I didn’t quite give up though. I had the inspiration to contact Lynn Crilly. I discovered her on Twitter two or three years back, and followed her posts. Lynn, set up an organisation called Hope With Eating Disorders, which is now called Hope With Mental Health. As well as being a counsellor working with people with eating disorders, she has a daughter who is now in recovery/recovered (they have different meanings, and individuals use their preferred term in a positivistic way). When I was admitted into an inpatient unit for the treatment of anorexia two years ago Lynn sent me a copy of Hope With Eating Disorders. I  was stunned by her kindness, especially because we had only exchanged a couple of messages on Twitter. Hope With Eating Disorders is a book which Lynn wrote for families who have a loved one suffering from an eating disorder. The book is an honest, but deeply loving account of her family’s experience of living with a child who is really sick with anorexia. It discusses the  difficulties, tension and struggles which the family lived through, as well as her daughters progress as she gradually began to change, get well and recover.

sdrFig tree

I felt overwhelmed with gratitude because somebody whom I barely knew had been kind enough to send me a book which they had written. But what really touched my soul was the love which is apparent in Lynn’s style of writing.

cofFruit bearing fig tree

So I emailed Lynn this week and explained my situation. She called me back and said that she had spoken with a few people that she knows from other organisations, and gave me a couple of numbers that I could try. The first one I called is willing to work me, so I now have professional support. She also put me onto her Hope With Mental Health YouTube channel. Her family are the vloggers, and the love that shines through was beautiful to see.

cofOrange

Yesterday whilst walking into town, I was crying with gratitude. I felt in awe at the love and kindness which I have received from Lynn, and witnessed within her family.

I am aware that I am growing and changing with regards to my anorexia and all of the behaviours associated with it.

cofApple

Today is the sixth day that I have followed the style of meal plan which the eating disorders unit followed when I was there two years ago. Ok the three meals and snacks are just eating more of the same things I have eaten for months. But my calories are far higher, and although I have a rough idea of what they are I am no longer counting them. Oh yes, I nearly forgot, I have introduced two new foods, porridge and jacket potato with tuna-mayo. I’ve got rid of the food I had hoarded, and my kitchen is now one which is condusive with developing a healthy relationship with food.

Reaching out to members of the 12 step recovery group hasn’t been easy. But I have called two or three of them, and a couple of us speech message each other on WhatsApp. I really value the meetings, the identification with other anorexics and bulimics means that I no longer feel shameful about, or alone with my eating disorder

cofMelon

I have hope that I can recover, but I also remain aware that I’ve had hope before. I’ve made progress for a while and then fell back into anorexia. I am trying to focus upon today, this day is all that I have, and today I am ok.

The photos of my plants are included because they are growing with me. I especially like the apple and melon which I planted as seeds.

The following two links are for Lynn’s website and the Hope With Mental Health YouTube channel.

Lynn Crilly

Hope With Mental Health YouTube channel

If you think or know that you have an eating disorder and you are not  receiving help or support, please be aware that help is available and recovery is possible. Please speak to your doctor or talk to a trusted friend. There are also eating disorders charities around the world which provide help, guidance and information.

UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

International Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous