Anorexia Update 2

Relapse is an all consuming and powerful force. I feel like I’m a surfer on a giant wave, with no ability to either stop or slow down. At some point I will reach the beach and be thrown off of my board, but that’s such a long a way in the future.

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I’m currently eating one ciabatta or panini per day. I’ve been prescribed fortisip, but I cannot face the additional 300 calories that a bottle would give me. I know that may sound stupid, but I can’t do it. I’ve stood at the open fridge staring at the bottles, but I can’t do it.

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My weight loss has slowed down, which will be for two reasons, one) initial weight loss is mostly water, two) my metabolism will have already slowed down. I find this stage demoralising, I know the speed of weight loss will increase again and I’m holding out for that.

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Severe restriction of food intake creates a voracious interest and obsession with food. This isn’t just for people with anorexia, it happens to non eating disordered people who are forced to starve. (see the Minnesota starvation experiment). I fantasise about eating meat and I can’t help but compulsively buy carbohydrate rich foods, despite knowing that I won’t eat them.

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I’m horrified by how much weight I have put on in recovery. I want my bones back.

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There are times that I feel painfully out of control, and others where I feel so deeply in control of my restrictive behaviour, it’s an intensely enriching buzz. But I have a long way to go before I lose enough weight so as to be underweight again. Sometimes I want to recover, and I still attend 12 step recovery groups, but the desire to get thin is paramount.

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I’m not sure whether blogging about my relapse helps me or not, I’m undecided. But my blog is an honest account of my experiences, it’s one of the things that I do, and I enjoy doing. I certainly have enjoyed adding some recent photos into the text.

Maybe one day I will be as light as a bird again.

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Until then, be strong and prosper.

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UK Based Eating Disorder Charities

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

Men and Boys Get Eating And Exercise Disorders Scotland

International Eating Disorder Charities

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

Peer Support groups

Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous

Smart Recovery

Over-Eaters Anonymous

Eating Disorders Anonymous

Two vlogersI have found useful who are in recovery or recovered

Megsy recovery

Tabitha Farrar

2,000 Followers Around London

I do experience bouts of intense paranoia, but I don’t believe that I have 2,000 people following me along the streets.

However, my blog now has over 2,000 followers, and for that I am most grateful. I like my blog, its a space for my photography, art and studies, and it is also an arena in which I share openly about my life. Sometimes deciding what to post and what to keep private can be quite challenging, especially when life is almost unbareable.

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But I get there, and I also share my joys and successes. I feel able to be open about my achievements and to share my strengths as well. I’ve learned that it’s important to speak just as much about the good things and the outcomes of which I’m proud of, as it is to share my challenges. Often in life we are told that it’s arrogant to say “I did that well” or “I’m good at this”. It’s not arrogant at all, speaking of our successes is good for our mental health. World class sports people publicly analyse their strengths and weaknesses, and I believe its the right thing for all of us to do. To do otherwise is to hold a hammer of shame over all that we are good at.

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This year has been a bit of a shit storm in some ways, with trying to end my life and its ongoing consequences, but it’s also had many positives for me. Moving to London, completing Foundations in Photography, starting the London Regional OCA group with B and H, and also meeting up with new people.

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My suicide attempt has taken a lot out of me, I still have many medical appointments to attend. I’ve also found it hard to go out with my camera due to exhaustion, anxiety, paranoia, medical appointments, and now I’m walking with a crutch (one of the pressure sore’s is not healing properly).

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But a big thanks to S.A who sent me a message yesterday to encourage me to go out with my camera. I did so today. I haven’t processed these as yet, so the photos in this post were taken on my Huawei P20 Pro.

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Thankyou all for following my blog, and supporting and engaging with me. Your support has helped so much recently. Love and hugs xxxx🌸🤗😘

Cognitive Disonence – Dancing City At The Greenwich Docklands International Festival

Wow, what a performance Dancing City put on.

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I hadn’t planned on seeing dancing City, I just wanted to take a trip to Canary Wharf with my camera and do some photography. It was a blessed relief to get out with my OMD EM 10 MK II and explore the docklands (these photos were taken on my Huawei P 20 Pro) . Dancing City were performing outside of the tube station so I stopped and had a look.

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Got to be honest, I didn’t think this was for me, but I have a friend who is a contemporary dancer so I sat down on the floor and figured I’d try and work out what was going on. The performers were dancing with objects that have a resemblance to the human form, so I figured they represented people. The dancing appeared to be sexual, passionate and suggestive at times, which threw me. What the hell is that about. I could understand it with people but not objects. Other aspects of the dancing seemed to be free form and uncoreogeaphed.

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I concerned relationship, specifically the kind of relationship where someone views the other as being something they are not. It’s hard to explain, but I’ve fallen in love with my partners potential, only seeing their best points, so I’m not in a relationship with the person who is really there, warts and all. Then I considered the dance portrayed psychosis and the interplay between heard voices, delusion and life.

It turns out that the performance was an exploration of modern day slavery.

The performance is worth considering in relation to my photography. Creating cognitive disonence, by including an object which is out of place, the viewer is left in a position where questions will arise. A viewer then becomes engaged with what they are gazing upon, and they may seek conciliation between the known and the abstract.

New Zealand Verses South Africa, And Other Points Of Interest

New Zealand against South Africa was a wonderful cricket match, and I had a great time with my friend P. I only took my phone with me as I am not ready to carry a big heavy bag around with me at the moment. Here are a couple of shots from the day, as well as one or two other recent points of interest.

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Feeling Rejuvenated

Yay, I’ve just had a lunch date with a couple of friends and fellow artists. It’s done me so much good. I’ve come away feeling refreshed.

My motivation is high, and I’ve just finished the third piece of embroidery, but I haven’t had the energy to get out with my camera. However, I have been taking photos on my phone, which is keeping my foot in, and I’ve just been reminded of the value of smart phone photography.

Heres a few photos from the last few days.

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A Birthday Treat

Yesterday was my birthday, which I don’t normally celebrate. However, this year was different. My cousins L and G wanted to celebrate it with me, and I felt it was important to let them love me in this way.

We went to the London Wetlands Center, probably my favourite place in London. Here are just a few photos from the day out.

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