The Photo Which I Didn’t Post Yesterday, And Why

A situation evolved before me yesterday, one with a humanistic, moralistic and Sociological perspective. Whilst I was waiting for a bus a naked guy parades up and down the street. He was speaking non aggressively in a language which I didn’t recognise. On the whole people were ignoring him, other than an occasional person who tried encouraging him to cover up.

At this point I decided not to take a photo, because I didn’t want to write or publish an article which would have been embarrassing for him. I suspected that his mental health was influencing his behaviour.

The police arrived, and the aforementioned naked guy assaulted the police officer. The officers colleague shouted “tazer” and as the guy went to assault her she fired the tazer.

When the guy was face down on the floor I took a photo, reasoning that he couldn’t be identified, and the discharging of a tazer is of current Sociological importance and is “newsworthy”

However, I’m not a photo journalist, its not my style of photography. There is a significant debate upon the arming of police with tazers, which is worth exploring. But I still decided to delete the photo rather than publish it.

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Seeing a police officer assaulted, and an unarmed man tazered is frightening, and would have been more upsetting for the man and the police. I believe the guy was having some form of mental breakdown, and ultimately it’s why I didn’t publish the photo.

I’m in favour of the police having tazers. There have been several vicious assaults on the police recently and they need to be able to apprehend an assailant, for their own, and the publics protection. Arguably, if yesterday’s event had have played out in other countries the guy could have been shot dead, so I’m in favour of more tazers over more guns.

There is a need for photo journalism and documentary photography, and yesterday I was faced with a choice. We all do as photographers, we all have our preferred genre and field of expertise. Most of the time there is no right and wrong in photography, and yesterday was a personal choice that suited my weighing up of external and internal drivers.

 

Changing Perspective – Kneeling Whilst Making Photo’s

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Walking with a crutch provided me with the opportunity to experiment with perspective. I can balance and keep the weight off my right heel, but what do I then do with the crutch? It’s made it hard to make photo’s unless I put the crutch down on the floor and kneel down. With this being the case I thought I’d make the most of it and explore what I could learn from the altered perspective.

When standing to take a photo, the head is generally pointing slightly down towards the horizon. From this viewpoint the sky takes up a third of the photo and the land takes two thirds of the space. When kneeling, the eye is looking up towards the horizon and reverses the sky to land ratio as below.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Usually this doesn’t work and detracts from the subject, the land. However, the above photo is balanced. The line of the boats mast balances the geometry and breaks the photo up. It would have been a better photo if the sailing boats had been further to the left, they would have made a nice subject.

In a narrow street, this new perspective makes the street appear narrower, but brings the buildings in closer to the centre, which could be good to highlight city lines, or to add an emotional tension (being followed on a dark night/a chase scene), especially when a short focal length is used.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

But, with a spacious foreground, a clear line through the image becomes prominent.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

In the wide open space of a Victoria train station the lines of the metalwork are heightened, and the spaciousness can emphasise the activity of the people. I like this shot.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

My favourite of the series comes next.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

OK, so the photo needs to be retaken without the people in the red and orange shirts. Putting that to the side I’ve found a real lesson for bringing the best out of a subject. The lower horizon provides more space in the sky, and this works well with the neutral foreground. And voila – the subject is what my eye looks at. I’m drawn to look closer at the detail. I love it.

Kneeling behind the prominade fence in the next scene creates layers of activity. Not the greatest of photos though. It would work better with a yacht on the sea, the eye needs a point of focus, but the layering works well.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

And finally, I don’t know if this was related to kneeling down and thereby being in a more submissive stance, or not, but I felt more confidence in making Street photography whilst I was in Brighton. Regardless of the reason, or lack thereof, it was fun to take photos of people.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton – An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

The intention behind this series was to create a simple documentary of a day out, but to shoot the photos from a kneeling position. Using a crutch makes photography difficult to do whilst standing up, so I thought I could make use of the need to kneel by exploring the altered perspective. I will write a further post to write about what I’ve learned about this, and to discuss the difficulties I’ve had with white balance and digital developing.

Of note, I felt reasonably comfortable whilst making the street photography for this series, which is an unusual experience for me.

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Brighton - An Unexpected Journey

Reflections Upon Improving Suicidal Ideation, Anorexia And Paranoia

The past few weeks have been incredibly challenging for me, with intense paranoia, suicidality and relapse with my eating disorder. It’s been a very painful time to be honest, and I’ve needed to delve into the pain in order to survive.

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Diving into the pain means to stop resisting it, to lean into it and to allow it to be, just as it is. It’s had me curled up on my bed in tears and too scared to move, and it’s taken me into leaving my home upon awakening and returning in the evening because I’ve been to scared to be at home. Paranoia is a fucker, I hate it, it’s been overwhelming, but it’s eased somewhat.

The shift happened last Thursday when it hit me that despite feeling unsafe, I’ve actually been safe. I’ve used the rationalisation for a while, but it finally dropped into place.

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Going to Brighton last Sunday and Monday was a decision to go out because I wanted to, not because I felt that I had to. I have spent most of the last week out as well, as an act of protecting my mental health. There’s a workman decorating the communal space and having him around triggers my experience of paranoia, so I’ve been out every day, and I will be for the next week too. Sometimes it’s knowing which fight to battle and which to accept. The good news is that I’ve stayed at home this weekend. I’ve felt anxious, I’ve experienced paranoid thinking, but it’s been at a level that I can cope with.

The fear has reduced significantly, and I believe this has had a positive impact upon my eating disorder. I’ve increased my food intake to around 3/4 of my bodies daily requirement. My body is larger than I want it to be, heavier than what I feel comfortable with, but I’m eating more and I feel better for it.

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Life is still a challenge, I don’t find living easy, but this week has been more enjoyable. Getting out with my camera on my trip to Brighton was very enjoyable, and shooting whilst being down on my knees has been a learning experience and I’m going to post about that over the next couple of days.

A friend sent me a link to an artists call for submission for a health related exhibition. Submitting was such an invigorating thing to do. I felt alive with enthusiasm and passion. I haven’t had the motivation to continue with embroidering on photography as yet, but it will return. I’m sleeping for longer and up later in the day, my most creative time, but the motivation will return.

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The Plan, And Personal Projects

The Plan is simple. I’m taking a break between Foundations in Photography and the undergraduate BA in Photography. I will resume my studies in January. Study is so good for my mental health that I have considered enrolling immediately on the degree, but I also don’t feel that’s right just now.

I haven’t read photography books for some time, so I have reintroduced this progress. I don’t particularly enjoy reading these texts, but my practice does benefit from it.

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My personal projects are important for my development. I have started to photo the London underground stations, both inside and out. The inside is a plain photo of the sign and surround, and I’m trying to capture points of interest outside of the tube station (not always possible as some of the surrounds are dull. My intent is to do this for the whole 270 tube stations, and I want to capture the mundane commute, but also include points of peace or joy along the route. I’m considering producing a poster size map of the London underground system and making a collage using 3 inch by 2 inch photos to present this series. The following two photos are the inside and outside of Charing Cross.

Charing Cross 1

Charing Cross 2

I’m aware that photographing a square mile will be an aspect of Express Your Vision, which is the first module of the degree, and I intend to use London’s Square Mile for this.

Today I am photographing my trip to Brighton from the perspective of me kneeling down. I simply want to try a new perspective with my photography and to document a simple journey. Love, peace and joy to you all on this beautiful Sunday.

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Further Consequences Of A Failed Suicide Attempt

My original post about my suicide attempt expressed how the consequences had affected my life. It can be viewed here.

However, I have on-going consequences that are not going to clear up in the short term, and could still have life altering consequences.

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On one side of the equation, the pressure ulcer is beggining to granulate and heal. Fab. However, I recently had an MRI scan, and the calcaneus (heel bone) has an infection.

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I now walk on a crutch to ease the pressure on my foot, and I’m taking two types of anti-biotics.

There is a possibility that the infection will not be cleared with the anti-biotics and I may then need a partial calcanectomy. A partial calcanectomy is a partial amputation which removes some of the heel bone, along with the pressure ulcer. This procedure is preferred to a below the knee amputation which has more serious consequences. Fingers crossed that the anti-biotics do their job.

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I’m feeling vulnerable just now. I’m experiencing intense anxiety. My childhood experiences have left me with the need to be alert and able to escape if I need to, and now my ability to move quickly is limited. I often feel scared, particularly when I’m indoors. I’m struggling to stay at home and I feel safer in open spaces.

On a positive note, people are wonderful. Im on a train to Brighton and someone gave me their seat. This happens quite regularly, and people offer to help in so many ways. I feel grateful for those experiences, especially that I can now allow people to help. I’m fiercely independant and usually shun support. I can’t always do what I need to at the moment, and it’s a nice experience to be cared for in so many ways.