I’ve Just Restored Some Deleted Posts – Feeling Vulnerable About My Eating Disorder

This week has been obe in which I have felt vulnerable in relation to my eating disorder, and because of this I deleted many of my personal posts which appeared in my creative writing page. The page has become more of a journal, and I felt exposed by having the posts public. So I deleted them.

Having just restored them I am hoping that WordPress hasn’t posted them to the feeder as if they were new. I don’t want to bore you all with things that you have already read. I will find out shortly.

I am feeling very grateful today. I have been out with my camera, and it is so nice to be out and about with it again. Photography is such an important part of my life, and one of my main motivators for change. To be able to slowly walk around and see through the eye of a lens has been joyous, and it brings me much needed hope.

cof

cof

Standard: When You Take Away My voice – Photo Video Featuring DJ’s From Mars

When You Take Away My Voice

When You Take Away My Voice

 

The photo-montage and photo video are my own work, and the music is provided by Dj’s From Mars. I am very grateful that they gave me permission to use their work. Thank you DJ’s From Mars.

You can check Dj’s From Mars on many platforms including:-

  1. http://www.djsfrommars.com
  2. http://www.facebook.com/djsfrommars
  3. http://www.instagram.com/djsfrommarsofficial
  4. http://www.twitter.com/djsfrommars
  5. http://www.youtube.com/djsfrommarschannel
  6. http://www.youtube.com/alieninvasiontv
Dj's

My Current Experience Of Anorexia

This is a photo about amorexia, and shows the food that I will eat today.

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was diagnosed with anorexia the age of 17. Up until the age of 29 anorexia controlled my life and had a serious impact upon my mental health and well-being. Then slowly I started to increase my calories and have a healthy diet. Over a number of years I began to eat more and more and my anorexia turned into binge eating disorder.

For the past four years I have switched between binge eating disorder and anorexia, and each period of these illnesses lasts for many months. With binge eating disorder I feel completely out of control and full of shame and guilt for eating food.

My current experience of anorexia is completely different from that during my younger years. Right now I like my experience of anorexia (and I only speak of my own experience). I feel completely in control, my mental health has improved greatly. My suicidal thoughts have diminished and my anxiety is quite low, although I do still experience paranoid thinking and feelings and have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

My self-esteem improves with anorexia, I take more care of my appearance and my environment, and I am full of energy, my motivation is good, I buy new clothes which fit me and there are parts of my body which I like (such as my arms, shoulders and lower legs). It’s really quite nice to like parts of myself, and on the whole, to be enjoying life.

The downside is that my health is starting to deteriorate, my blood chemistry changing, my blood pressure has dropped, I have orthostatic hypotension, and the QT interval (part of the heartbeat) is beginning to elongate. This means that I could become an inpatient for the treatment of anorexia.

I’m working very closely with my psychiatric team, and we are following an anorexia nervosa harm reduction model. Increasing my calorific intake too quickly increases my anxiety and suicidal thoughts, so we are increasing my calories at a very slow rate. Every increase that my psychiatrist and I have agreed I have stuck to, which is very positive and am pleased that I am making progress. My progress is slow and it won’t be enough to keep me out of hospital, but it is progress. We are trying to keep me out hospital for as long as possible because I find hospital and overwhelmingly scary experience.

On a personal level I have no desire to either increase my calories or my weight, why would I when anorexia improves the quality of my life experience? The only motivator that I have to change is the desire to stay out of hospital and to reduce the length of time of a likely admission.

This is a photo about amorexia, and shows the food that I will eat today.
Todays total calories. Although this may appear to be a small amount of food, it is double that of what it was in May when my psychiatrist and I agreed to follow the harm reduction model.

My current experience of anorexia, which is a positive experience for me, is far different than it wasfor me in between the ages of 17 and 29, and I am aware that other people’s experience of anorexia is often very negative.

Recovery is possible from all eating disorders, and I am working with my psychiatric team and making use of support froman¬† eating disorders charity. Am I a positive role model for recovery from anorexia? On one hand my response to this is no because I’m enjoying my experience of anorexia and I am still losing weight. On the other hand I have to answer yes, because I am working with my psychiatric team and making use of third sector support. I have also stuck to every increase in calories which I’ve agreed with my psychiatrist, without backtracking at all, and I’ve stopped purging completely. Recovery in my mind is doing anything which increases quality of life. Following the harm reduction model has meant that I’m experiencing less muscular pain and increased ability to walk around, and be able to be fully engaged with my photography and study.

A larger town that is nearby to me has an outpatient day service for people with eating disorders which I have requested to attend. The difficulty is funding for a place. The day service is run and managed by different NHS trust than the one for the area where I live, and obtaining funding from my local NHS trust to attend an out of area service is time-consuming and frustrating.

For those of you who read this post, who also have an eating disorder would like to stress that recovery is possible, my recovery may not be the greatest example, the recovery can be difficult and slow process for many of us. Baby steps, one step at a time, but sticking with these steps and moving forwards is definitely progress which is achievable and sustainable.

If you have an eating disorder please try to talk to somebody you know and trust, and ask them to support you in attending your doctors.  There are many eating disorder services and charities throughout the world.

United Kingdom

BEAT

Men Get Eating Disorders Too

United States

NEDA

Canada

NEDIC

India

The Minds Foundation

Australia

NEDC

 

One Is Too Many And A Thousand Never Enough

A layered photo which combines several different photos of food. This is a sociology photo which is about binge eating disorder, which is an eating disorder.
(Please click on the photo for a full size image) Binge eating disorder is an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It can have major psychological consequences and cause serious health complications. These include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders or Men get eating disorders too for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible.

 

Binge Eating Disorder

This is a photo about binge eating disorder, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a socoology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
(please click on the photo for a full size image) Binge eating disorder is an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It can have major psychological consequences and cause serious health complications. These include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders or Men get eating disorders too for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible.

Binge Eating Disorder

This is a photo about binge eating disorder, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a socoology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
(please click on the photo for a full size image) Binge eating disorder is an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It can have major psychological consequences and cause serious health complications. These include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders or Men get eating disorders too for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible

 

Binge Eating Disorder

This is a photo about binge eating disorder, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a socoology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
(Click on photo for a full size image) Binge eating disorder is an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It can have major psychological consequences and cause serious health complications. These include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders or Men get eating disorders too for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible.

Binge Eating Disorder

This is a photo about binge eating disorder, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a socoology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
This is a photo about binge eating disorder, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a socoology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
(Click on photo for a full size image) Binge eating disorder is an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It can have major psychological consequences and cause serious health complications. These include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders or Men get eating disorders too for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible.

Binge Eating Disorder

This is a photo about binge eating disorder, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a socoology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
(please click on the photo for a full size image) Binge eating disorder is an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It can have major psychological consequences and cause serious health complications. These include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, type 2 diabetes and heart disease. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible.

Bulimia

 

This is a photo about bulimia, an eating disorder and serious mental illness. It is a sociology photo and is in the category of sociology photos.
(please click on the photo for a full size image) Bulimia is an eating disorder and a serious mental illness. In between 10 and 20% of people with bulimia will die from this illness. It depletes electrolytes and this can induce a heart attack or organ failure. If you think that you, or someone you care about may have an eating disorder then please seek help from your doctor. There are many eating disorder charities throughout the world. In the UK please see BEAT eating disorders for advice and support. Help is available and recovery is possible.